Cadbury Makes Special Chocolate for Women, Because Ladies Love Chocolate and Hate Being Fat

If we’ve learned anything from Cathy comics and the silly t-shirts of your office HR rep, it’s that women love chocolate. We love chocolate so much that we want to eat it with everything. We want to eat instead of everything. You know when you’re like “I’d kill for some chocolate right now,” and everyone laughs because they think you’re joking only you’re dead serious? Like you have two cravings — one for blood and one for cocoa products — and one of those cravings better be satiated pronto or you might do something crazy? Haha, of course you do! We all do! It’s a part of the universal female experience.

So, yes, women love chocolate, which should be no problemo, right? Except stop because MAJOR PROBLEMO. While we might want to hoover down chocolate every moment of every goddam day, we can’t because, while we love chocolate — like LOVE love it — we also love being skinny. It’s literally the most important part of our lives, rated above careers, family and friendship. And I hate to be the one to break this to you, but chocolate does not make you skinny.

Because this is a girl problem, specific for girls who are girls, we have to look for a girl solution. Luckily, Cadbury, the producer of, uh, eggs, is here to help us out. Introducing Crispello, the UK candy company’s low-fat chocolate treat designed specifically for women. Say it with me: Crispello — a chocolate thats very name evokes female experiences like riding a horse in white jeans or reading a book about nail polish on a beach. Crispello. It’s the name of the most dashing suitor in a breakfast cereal-sponsored soap opera. Crispello! Just saying the word makes you taste it. Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it inside you?

Marketed as “a little treat for you,” a Crispello (I just came while typing that) arrives as three individually wrapped chocolates and clocks in at 165 calories. While chocolate has long been marketed towards women because, again, we bitches can’t get enough of it, Crispello is one of the first to be aimed directly at a female audience.