Brooklyn Decker’s ‘Girly Guide to the Super Bowl’ Is a Headache

To be absolutely honest, the mouth-sounds “Brooklyn Decker” seem like they should be the name of a Brooklyn-inspired sandwich with, like, four pounds of corned beef and eight slices of rye. They are instead the name of actress and former model Brooklyn Decker, a human woman with very shiny hair and an impressive series of “tips” to help all the football-ignorant laaaaaayyyyydeeeezzzz of ‘Merica get through the spectacle of concussive consumerism called the “Super Bowl.” Step 1: Prepare yourself for trite “advice” that only underscores the huge interest gap that is supposed to exist between the genders when it comes to pro sports.

Local news affiliates are already leeching off of the gendered clichés that litter “Brooklyn Decker’s Girl Guide to the Super Bowl” like funnel cake bits on a New Jersey boardwalk. The “guide,” brought to you courtesy of Harper’s Bazaar, is really just a list of ways women-folk can pretend to be interested in the Super Bowl, even if they’re not really interested. Sneaky!

So, how does one accomplish feigning interest in an athletic contest that is little more than a giant commercial for Old Spice and pickup trucks made out of beer? The very first thing that one must do is, according to Decker, “Pick a team”—even if at random:

If you’re a total novice, the first most important thing to do is PICK A TEAM! That way, you have someone to root for, you feel invested, and you have a few people to high five throughout the day. I was rooting for the Carolina Panthers but unfortunately they lost to San Francisco, so during the Super Bowl I’ll be showing my allegiance to the Broncos, for no other reason than I root for Peyton Manning to win a ring under a different franchise.

Since it is now unseemly to watch football in order to satisfy your atavistic bloodlust, you must actively support a team just to get through the game, which won’t so much be a “game” as it will be a series of Peyton Manning gifs separated by three-minute ads for yogurt, beer, and cars. Peyton Manning Presents: Advertising. For any real football fan, the “pick a team” imperative is WILDLY offensive, but just picking a random team isn’t going to help a non-fan suddenly appreciate the joys of football. Football has no joys — it is an evil, brutal sport that everyone just loves because it’s tailored perfectly to television and has very cinematic NFL Films highlight reel music (it’s also completely awesome).

The rest of Decker’s list is just as predictable as every other condescending list dreamed up by editors and writers trying to churn out a nice piece of Super Bowl word pastry.

2. But do spend a minute reading up on football buzz before game day, so you’re invested in the behind-the-scenes storylines.

3. Comfortable-chic is the way to go.

4. Just say no…To heels.

“Ladies, stop wearing heels to sporting events. It’s a weird and a terrible idea. You will feel miserable walking around a stadium for hours. A comfy wedge is fine, but I think gals should stick with the jeans and T-shirts vibe. This is a sporting event, not New York Fashion Week—that’s next week.”

5. Show your colors…but not all over.

6. When it comes to cheering, bring it on.

7. Bring snacks—and pick your beverage wisely.

8. If you’re spending Sunday in MetLife Stadium, it’s not the day to debut your crop top.

9. Don’t fake it.

“When it comes to knowledge of rules, there’s nothing worse than that. If you don’t know anything about football, pick your team, and ask questions. But feel the vibe of the room; if people are hunched over silently biting their nails, it’s probably not the best time to ask what “going for the extra point” means. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing much about sports as long as you’re present and enjoying yourself and the people around you.”

10. In the end, it’s all about the tailgate.

None of this advice, though, will help anyone actually enjoy the game if they’re not invested. It’ll help them hide their disdain for football from their companions, thereby allowing them to be accepted as a member of the lowing football fan herd. The only tip the non-fan needs to actually enjoy a game is a third of Decker’s ninth tip: fake it. Not your interest — your knowledge. Just start making stuff up about the players. Toss out little biographical details and make sure to hide everyone’s iPhone so that the information remains relatively unverifiable. If someone you’re watching the game with is a Peyton Manning fan, tell them about that time Peyton Manning killed a litter of newborn puppies in Puerto Rico. If someone hates Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, just tell that someone about the time not so long ago when Pete Carroll donated both of his kidneys to a small child.

Obviously, you’ll have to tailor the lies to fit your audience, but as long as you remain committed, nobody should challenge your authority, because the dirty secret all self-styled fans share is that none of them know anything and they’re all constantly anxious about being called on their lack of knowledge. Exploit that and you will win [watching] the Super Bowl.