Bro, Condé Nast Bought Pitchfork! This Is Fucked News For Us Men

Illustration for article titled Bro, Condé Nast Bought Pitchfork! This Is Fucked News For Us Men

Being a male millennial is totally fucked, because they keep taking away our rights. Today was the male millennial apocalypse because Pitchfork Media, the male millennial bible where I can find out about all my favorite rappers and bands, totally SOLD OUT to a major media conglomerate called Condé Nast, which is famous for publishing chick lit like Vogue and The New Yorker. This is total fucking bullshit.


‘Cause anytime you SELL OUT TO THE MAN, he just wants to co-opt your culture and market it back to you for a higher price. FUCK THE MAN. Condé Nast is being up front about this, because some suit over there told corporate newspaper the New York Times that the purchase “brings a very passionate audience of millennial males into our roster.”

Keep our good names out of your mouth, corporate suit! The millennial male doesn’t care about your stupid clothes magazines and money. Everything we love is being totally killed, if not by huge corporations then by all these women who are trying to steal our culture by making and listening to our music, like Sophie and Lana del Rey. Pitchfork was the only place I could read interviews with my idols, like Dan Bejar, or Steve Malkmus, or find out cool gear shit about GarageBand—wait, fuck, this article is about CHICKS using GarageBand? Fuck. Shit. Stick to girly pop music, bitches, and leave the big boy music to the Big Boys.

Wait, what are all these articles on Pitchfork about skirts doing on the homepage? How did Carly Rae Jepsen get a 7 point fucking 2! Fuck, see? Everyone is taking away men’s rights.

This is total fucking bullshit, also. What is going to happen to the male millennial bible when it gets swallowed up by a money machine that doesn’t even care about them? Will everything change once the owners get rich? Will Pitchfork start writing about shit I don’t care about, like fashion music, just like corporate magazines for Generation Xers, GQ and Details? Will they get a redesign I can’t navigate? Even worse, will they become more like the NSA, and target my male millennial generation to the point that I become just another corporate zombie, listening to the same music as everyone else? Jesus. This is the worst day of my fucking life.

Up til now, Pitchfork has been the place where I can go be like male millennials like me, to read male millennials like me, about music made by male millennials and their big brother-aged cool friends and no one else. At least Condé Nast knows that stupid idiot girls don’t care about or write about or make music worth listening to. As we watch our bible circle down the drain into corporate hell, at least there’s that.

Image via Marino Bocelli/Shutterstock.


JujyMonkey: unstable genius

First Playboy stops showing boobies and now this? It’s a tough day to be a Bro, Bruh!

<crushes beer can against forehead>