If you, like me, thought older bro Bryan Spears was the only one to escape Britney Spears’ post-conservatorship wrath, hoooo-boy were we wrong!
On Tuesday evening, Britney posted a now-deleted Instagram post clarifying that her 45-year-old older brother was not in fact invited to her and Sam Asghari’s wedding last week, despite multiple reports that he was in attendance. “You were never invited to my wedding so why even respond ??? Do you honestly think I want my brother there who told me no to a Jack and coke for 4 years … what ???” Spears wrote.
Making sense of Britney’s rambling Instagram posts is often like decoding a brand new language (I’ve heard if you read the posts in her Louisiana Southern drawl, they’re a little easier to understand), but this sentence alone requires quite a bit of explaining.
During her four-year Las Vegas residency from 2013 to 2017, Britney says that her family, including Bryan, did not allow her to drink alcohol, even though she was over 21 at the time. She was still being governed under her conservatorship and says she was being drug-tested three times a week. The pop star seemed particularly bitter that Bryan used to drink his Jack and coke with “shrimp salad”—an unconscionable pairing and proof of little to no fine dining taste!!—right in front of her, and then deny her the same pleasures. Unless you’re sober (and god bless you), can you imagine having to watch everyone around you get piss-poor drunk in Las Vegas for fuck’s sake and then be sent to your room like a child with just a tall glass of water? Sad indeed.
To unpack the “why even respond” question, Bryan’s girlfriend Amber Lynn Conklin had commented on Instagram that they didn’t attend Britney’s wedding because their 11-year-old daughter was graduating elementary school the same day, adding that Bryan “felt terrible having to choose but he had to be there for his daughter and sent his love to Britney x1000000 [three heart Emojis]. We are so sad to miss such an important moment but so so happy for Britney and Sam’s Marriage! [praying hands Emoji].” But apparently Britney doesn’t give a rat’s ass about this excuse due to, I don’t know, say, 10 years of doing not much at all to free Britney?
The icon (my icon!!!) also seemed pissed at a 2020 interview Bryan gave to the As NOT Seen on TV podcast before Britney’s conservatorship ended, in which he questioned the “practicality” of Britney being released from her conservatorship, noting that she can’t even make dinner reservations for herself. “None of you ever wanted it to end because you all loved telling me what to do and treating me like absolutely nothing !!!” she responded in her post, adding, “Psss I have an assistant to make my dinner reservations …” Come on Bryan, Britney Spears doesn’t need to know how to make dinner reservations, she’s too rich and famous for that!!! You go, bitch.
There was some additional tea that Selena Gomez, Madonna, and Britney all fell multiple times at the wedding due to rose petals being sprinkled everywhere, and Britney relentlessly roasted her parents for apparent alcoholism, while not letting her have a sip of Jack: The irony!! She also admitted that when she recently drank a vodka soda with a girlfriend at dinner, she got sick and misses having a tolerance (girl, same).
And, in one of the most perfect sentences Mrs. Spears has ever drawn up, she writes, “And I might force myself to drink Jack tonight … look up at the moon and say ‘FUCK YOU !!!’ I know you’re blood and yes blood runs deep but no family of mine would do what you guys did to me.” Honestly, looking up at the moon drinking Jack like Britney doesn’t sound like a horrible idea. So, happy drinking, our darling Britney. May you stay free and live free and not puke up any more vodka sodas. [People]
- Denise Richards says she supports her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen’s OnlyFans career, and we love to see it!!! For rich & famous people supporting sex work please! [Page Six]
- Cheryl Burke from Dancing With the Stars says she’s never had an orgasm before during intercourse, and…ok??? I’m really sorry that’s been happening, but not sure we need this level of detail from you babe! [Us Weekly]
- Congressman Colin Allred said the U.S. is “actively” negotiating with Russia to bring WNBA star Brittney Griner home. Not sure why he’d spill these sensitive beans to TMZ, and fairly certain he’s going to get a wrist slap for spewing out details when I’m sure President Biden would loooove the credit for this one, since he hasn’t done jack shit in office. [TMZ Sports]
- Stormi Webster, who is 4, wore an itty bitty baby Prada bag while shopping with mom Kylie Jenner at Ulta, and now I’m mad my mom never got me an itty bitty baby Prada bag. [Teen Vogue]
- Apparently, not a soul could resist flirting with Andrew Garfield at the Tony Awards. Do you blame them? Flirting is the least I would’ve done if you sat me next to my favorite Spiderman. I hope he’d be shooting more than webs (ew, sorry!!!). [HuffPost]