British Dog Eats Thong, Has Surgery, Eats Another Thong

One day, great philosophers will answer one of the most challenging puzzles that has perplexed humanity for hundreds of years—why do dogs insist on eating your underwear?

Brian, a four-year-old Samoyed, lives with a very patient woman named Kaye Banks in Jolly Olde England [insert dumb American joke about winning the Revolution, shitty English food, Prince Harry, etc. etc]. According to the BBC (the leading authority on thong-related dog news), Brian became sick and wouldn’t eat his food. A panic-stricken Banks took him to a local vet who found her thong underwear in his stomach. He had to have a two-hour emergency operation to save his life. Brian the dog spent four days at the veterinarian’s following the surgery.

One time I fell off my bike while trying to recreate the iconic moon bike flying scene from E.T. I spent an entire Saturday in the emergency room in agonizing pain and totaled my bike. In our house, it was referred to as a “lesson well learned.” I never ever again tried to act out scenes from movies on my bike (or my roller skates; please don’t ask about the unfortunate Xanadu injury I sustained prior to the E.T. incident). Unlike a very savvy 12-year-old Rebecca Rose, Brian was all “LMAO IDGAF #YOLO” about his horrible thong-eating experience. As soon as he returned home, Brian took another one of her thongs and tried to eat it. You know, Brian might be kind of an asshole.

“We just couldn’t believe that after an operation and four days at the vets he comes home and does it again,” said Banks, who is slowly but surely running out of thongs.

We’re not surprised by this at all. The highly trained researchers at the Jezebel Institute for Weird Things Pets Eat have conclusively proven that dogs will eat anything, especially if it’s something we really like or paid a lot of money for or cannot be replaced ever. It’s nothing compared to the dastardly acts of villainy most cats are capable of but still. Team Dog, consider yourself on warning.