Bribing Your Kid's Way Into Preschool Is a Complicated Business

Illustration for article titled Bribing Your Kids Way Into Preschool Is a Complicated Business

Rich people in New York continue to be the worst, this time with wealthy parents bribing teachers and administrators for coveted spots at private schools, particularly pre-schools, with expensive gifts.

Feeling the pressure to get little Aidan into Harvard via a hyper-competitive stepping stone like the Madison Avenue Presbyterian Day School, parents have been reduced to buying Hermès scarves and Birkin Bags for the gatekeepers.

But NYC private school gift bribery isn't just about dropping a stack of benjamins on a bunch of Tiffany boxes. There's still a code involved. For instance, never disrespect the staff hierarchy by getting a head teacher and her assistant gifts that are both close in price, and never gift a teacher with framed photos of your children. Do you really think that the preschool instructor at the Central Synagogue (the one on Lexington Avenue off East 55th Street, to be clear) cares about your brat that much?


And if that pre-K institution has a policy of handmade gifts only, then work around that rule by offering a cookie jar with $500 inside. That should make your outstandingly privileged child's future! Although...are you sure $500 is enough? Don't you want to show that you're an important part of New York City's financial elite, or do you want to come off as a cheapskate whose kid could end up at state school for all you care?

Image via Shutterstock

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My adult kid is very successful, well before age 30. She is a state school grad with a liberal arts degree in a very major city that is not New York.

She will tell anyone that these "connections" that insane, competitive parents strive, like fancy kindergartens, etc., do help young college grads—for about a year out of college. Then, it's all about performance. Period.

As she moves up the career ladder, she is astonished at how few super successful people actually have had those lifelong advantages. Some advantages? Yes. Our kid has no college debt.

Also, and I'm sorry if this is cruel, but it's true: Many rich people, male and female, are very physically unattractive. Good looking middle class kids really do have advantages.

Go for it, my young and lovely Jezzies!