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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Brett Kavanaugh Denied American Right to Finish Dessert at Steakhouse in Peace

A group of terrible, "unruly" protesters ruined Kavanaugh's meal at Morton's, violating his most basic constitutional right to eat surf 'n' turf in public.

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In an injustice so grave it makes my stomach ache, Justice Brett Kavanaugh was not able to order the seasonal cheesecake at a Washington, D.C., Morton’s steakhouse last night.

Protesters learned of the Supreme Court justice’s dinner plans and gathered outside the downtown restaurant to heckle him in response to his part in overturning Roe v. Wade last month—as well as expanding gun rights and allowing more greenhouse gases to destroy the planet. According to Politico, protesters called the Morton’s manager asking that the justice be kicked out—a relatively good use of the “let me speak to the manager” card, if it ever must be employed. Kavanaugh was able to finish his filet mignon or whatever the fuck and snuck out the back before dessert.

A rep for the steakhouse (cool job, dude) told Politico’s Daniel Lippman:

Politics, regardless of your side or views, should not trample the freedom at play of the right to congregate and eat dinner. There is a time and place for everything. Disturbing the dinner of all of our customers was an act of selfishness and void of decency.

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Fuck off. These sort of statements make me want to bonk people on the head with the transvaginal ultrasound wands they’re forcing up people’s vaginas. I’ll tell you what’s “void of decency”: wrapping bacon around a scallop. Show me a pig and a mollusk that God has intended to be neighbors. I’ll wait.

Every government official who was pivotal in overturning Roe, and frankly every government official who isn’t passionately working to restore abortion rights, should be heckled at every public restaurant they step into. The fancier the restaurant, the better. They should be forced to eat poorly microwaved mac and cheese over their sink while staring out at their lawn full of protesters. The shrine of their digestive systems ought to not receive one more ounce of respect than what they’ve shown our reproductive systems.

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If we want to talk about shit that is definitely not in the Constitution, it’s the right to peacefully eat Chicken Christopher from a sleazy steakhouse chain that’s just Applebees for people who tuck their shirts in. Actually, I take that back: The institution that brought us $1 Long Island iced teas and chicken wonton tacos doesn’t need to be dragged into this.

These assholes deserve not one second of peace for their part in robbing American people’s bodily autonomy. You’re going to force a child to carry a pregnancy to term and expect people to let you enjoy an iceberg wedge salad? You’re going to say the Environmental Protection Agency can’t do something to give our planet a few extra centuries of being inhabitable and New York can’t regulate guns, but you have the fundamental right to sip your dirty martini in peace? Get a fucking grip.

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Any establishment that lets people like Kavanaugh through their doors ought to expect outrage like this. Protesting is as American as a Morton’s Steakhouse.