Breaking: Square Married Dudes Have Dick Piercings

According to one survey, the average recipient of a penis piercing is way squarer than you’d think. However, potential side effects of a Prince Albert are downright disturbing.

Thomas H. Maugh II of the LA Times reports that Alden Roberts of Texas Tech and colleagues posted a survey on several piercing website to find out what kind of guy wants a needle in his dick. What they found: 89% were white, 41% were married, another 20% lived with a partner, 56% made more than $45,000 a year, and 87% said they didn’t take drugs. Translation: these guys are middle-class white dudes, not the “bikers, druggies or Goths” who are supposed to have dick piercings, according to the Maugh. Of course, respondents to the survey weren’t randomly selected, so response bias could be at work here. But that aside, should we really be so surprised that average Joes are getting their dicks pierced? As of 2006, 15% of Americans had at least one non-earlobe piercing — the practice has become mainstream enough that it shouldn’t be shocking if some guy has a Prince Albert under his business suit.

However, dudes to might want to think twice. Maugh writes that a quarter of guys with pierced dicks have to sit down when they pee “because urine sprays in all directions through the piercings,” and other potential side effects of dick piercing include “priapism (uncomfortably sustained erections), bleeding after sex, gangrene and loss of jewelry in female partners.” Having to contend with gross bar toilet seats when you don’t have to is one thing, but what about the constant fear of leaving your diamond stud or whatever inside your partner’s vagina? And penis gangrene? I still prefer my dicks unpierced, thank you — no matter how much money they make.