If a sexually-dissatisfied Southern woman happens to be on the lam with her friend, she can no longer count on glistening young cowboy drifter Brad Pitt to make the fuck with her. Why? Because he doesn’t do onscreen sex scenes anymore, out of respect for Angelina Jolie, and she does the same for him.
Pitt’s major interview in the June/July issue of Esquire includes a quote from Brad’s good friend Frank Pollaro about the everyday h0TTness that goes on in Casa de Brangelina:
“Once I walked in and Angie was standing there and [Brange’s eight-year-old daughter] Zahara walked up and said, ‘Daddy, you’re not going to start making out with Mommy again, are you?’ And it’s like that,” Frank revealed.
“This is a guy who has tried not to do any sexy scenes with other women since he’s met Angelina. He’s crazy about her, and she’s the same way about him.”
A moment of silence for all the 14-year-olds at slumber parties in 1999 who had weird embarrassed tinglies about the Marla Singer sex scenes in Fight Club. “Do you guys want some snacks?” called a voice from the top of the stairs. “NO, MOM.”
Pitt also discusses the tail end of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston:
“For a long time I thought I did too much damage — drug damage. I was a bit of a drifter. I spent years fucking off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany — a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?”
Leonardo DiCaprio repeatedly and creepily tried to get it in with 20-year-old model Cara Delevigne at Cannes but she did not want to be drawn like one of his French girls. “Leo kept hitting on her at The Great Gatsby bash… He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined.” After begging for her number, she finally gave it to him. [Page Six]
Justin Bieber is making everyone who comes to his parties sign a waiver that insists they won’t post anything to Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, their blog, or, in a desperate effort, write about it on their clothing like the Marquis de Sade in Quills. If they do, they’ll be sued for $5 million dollars.
Activities at the party, says the paperwork, are “potentially hazardous and you should not participate unless you are medically able and properly trained” lest they cause “minor injuries to catastrophic injuries, including death.” Is anyone else picturing that chair/roller coast contraption at the end of Casper with a cupholder for sizzurp in it? [TMZ]
“You’re an asshole, Justin Bieber,” says Bon Jovi. [Page Six]
Guten morgen! Demi Moore’s shaggy blonde Australian pearl diver-turned-Viking-turned Sikh yoga teacher boyfriend Will Hanigan has something special. And by something special, I mean a piece of deep-sea wares in his urethra. Or… what? He’s never even been to Mount Vesuvius!
“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”
So weird, because “my friend Julie” has a barnacle in her vagina but she’s always been embarrassed about it, lolz! I’ll tell “my friend” not to worry. Cool story, Hansel. [NYDN]
- Krim Krardashian’s baby shower invitation is printed inside a music box. [TMZ]
- STEVE HOLT! [TMZ]
- Chris Brown and Karrueche Tran had a fender bender in L.A. [TMZ]
- Kellie Pickler won Dancing With The “Stars,” if you care about that. [People]
- Newly single Robert Pattinson seemed cheerful at a Da Club in Hollywood. [People]
- Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart spent the day moping at Taylor Swift’s house (!!) where they smoked weed, passed back and forth a box of Frosted Flakes and watched Waiting To Exhale (hopefully). [Us Weekly]
- January Jones had the nerve to not want to tell a NY Times reporter who the father of her baby is, which obviously makes her a bitch. [Us Weekly]
- Katy Perry went inner-tubing. Not a euphemism. [Us Weekly]
- Pauly D got rid of his crazy blowout and has new self-proclaimed “Gatsby hair.” [NYDN]
- Psy was at Cannes, and you weren’t. Just FYI. [Page Six]
- Farrah Abraham will have a reality show. [Gossip Cop]
- Demi Lovato spotted Ben Stiller on the street while she was in a moving car and yelled out that he should buy her new album, and the whole thing was kind of unexpectedly adorable? [Gossip Cop]
- PETA has some issues with Éric Rohmer’s quiet meditation on married life, entitled The Hangover 3. [Radar Online]
- Nothing in my life right now makes more sense than the sentence “Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard seeing the Flaming Lips at Brooklyn’s GoogaMooga Fest.” Of COURSE they’re eating organic kimchee and singing along to “Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots.” [Page Six]
- Madonna’s hella cockblocking Lourdes Leon. [Page Six]
- Welcome to Earf. [NYDN]