A whole bunch of celebrities popped back up yesterday for a table read of the somewhat lackluster 1982 teen romp Fast Times at Ridgemont High, memorable only for its excellent deployment of Donna Summers’ “Highway Runner.” The movie’s title track, “Somebody’s Baby,” has aged about as poorly as Fast Times has, with all its gratuitous ’80s lust for teenage girls’ bodies. Yet, these celebrities insisted. Among them were Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, their very presence at the table read a banal attempt at resuscitating some stale, utterly flavorless gossip.
Maybe it’s because Jennifer Aniston’s acting style consists of exasperatedly wagging her eyebrows like a woman permanently flustered and overwhelmed at the very concept of life itself. Or because Brad Pitt’s own acting style amounts to smirking past the fourth wall. But there is nothing more boring than watching these exes plod their way through a nearly 40-year-old movie.
Nonprofits CORE and REFORM Alliance sought to raise funds for coronavirus pandemic relief by enlisting a variety of celebrities for this get-together on Thursday night. Among them: Matthew McConaughey, Sean Penn, Shia LaBeouf, Henry Golding, Julia Roberts, Jimmy Kimmel, John Legend, and Morgan Freeman. Aniston played Linda Barrett, originally played by Phoebe Cates, while Pitt resurrected Brad Hamilton, originally played by Judge Reinhold.
While the motivations for this table read are certainly sincere, these celebrities soon found—judging from the looks quite obviously plastered across all their faces—that Fast Times at Ridgemont High wasn’t going to be some lighthearted romp with fluffy dialogue and meet-cute flirtations. Check the look on their faces here, as narrator Morgan Freeman leads them through the longest, most uncomfortable two minutes of their lives. The scene? Brad Pitt is masturbating, and Jennifer Aniston “walks” in on him.
The desperation to drum up any small controversy between these two is palpable. While the intention was obviously to raise some money for a good cause, it’s all just a bit... tiresome!
Perhaps my exhaustion also stems from how palpably “in on the joke” the other celebrities participating are. Just watch Julia Roberts’ face while these two mime some horny teenagers for charity:
That is the face of a lady who is in on it. I see what you’re doing Ms. Roberts! I see it with my own eyes very clearly!!!
Anyway, brace yourself for another few weeks of tabloid rumors concerning Bradifer. Maybe Brad and Jen will have another secret baby, or a wedding in Cancun, or an all-expenses paid sexcation across the South of France. When the gossip press is bored and locked inside, our imagination is as boundless as gaping void between these two where sexual chemistry used to exist.