Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tell their kids when they’re going to do it because, according to Brad, there are no secrets in their house- “We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.” Does this mean that the kids also know Angie’s slim-down secrets and are privy to the eternal mystery of Brad’s sentient facial hair? Inquiring minds need to know. [US Weekly]
Our Lady of the Gaga, Patroness Of All Downtrodden And Purveyor of The Holy Meat Dress, is presenting a concert in Sydney, Australia, for only 1,000 of her most die hard Aussie fans. The show is being described as “intimate,” which is unfortunate because the phrase “intimate show” sounds like some kind of thing you’d go to in Amsterdam that involves ping pong ball shooting and other vaginal flights of fancy. [Sydney Morning Herald]
Kim Kardashian’s is saying that the British Royal Wedding inspired her and everyone’s all a-tizzy that Kim, the Kween of the Kardashian Kourt, will have a royal wedding of her own. Her story of ascent to royalty is a uniquely American one; whereas British royals must be born into or marry into certain specific families, American royals reach the heights of society by releasing a kind of boring sex tape with Ray J and lending their brand to everything in the entire world, like Krusty the Klown but sexy (TM). [Showbiz Spy]
Lil Wayne says his new single gives him goosebumps, which is sort of like admitting you masturbate to pictures of yourself. [Digital Spy]
Sandra Bullock spent $22.9 million on a new home. Because spending $23 million on a new home would be gauche in these tough economic times. [Showbiz Spy]
Rachel McAdams prefers staying in and watching movies to going out. But if she doesn’t go out, how will she accidentally run into Ryan Gosling and realize that she’s been in love with him this whole time? Just as Mike Huckabee believes that once the Jewish people occupy all of Jerusalem, Jesus will return, so too I believe that once McAdams and Gosling are reunited, all global strife will end. They must get back together; they must. [Showbiz Spy]
Jason Bateman is excited to jump into filming an Arrested Development movie, which should start shooting at some point this year. Like every nerd who reached legal age in the last decade or so, I’m a huge Arrested Development fan, but I think we’re all getting the shit trolled out of us here. Theory: the movie will simply be a documentary about the clusterfuck of anticipation and contradicting stories in the hype leading up to a movie that will never actually happen. Think Waiting for Guffman but we’re the townspeople of Blaine, and David Cross will be on there a lot talking about what idiots we are. [Digital Spy]
Tony Romo has married Candice Crawford in Dallas. Meanwhile, tabloids rushed to interview Jessica Simpson, who promised several tabloid covers about her REVENGE BIKINI BODY soon. Other Jessica Simpson response cover suggestions- “I’VE MOVED ON!” (Jessica stands with her arms crossed on cover.) “SINGLE AND HAPPY” (Jessica and a dog in the throes of cuddling; dog looks confused by whole affair) “JESSICA’S HEARTBREAK” (paparazzi shot of Jessica looking haggard that has nothing to with Tony Romo or Candice Crawford.) [People]
Mariska Hargitay will miss Agent Chris Meloni Stabler after he departs from Law & Order: Rape!. I’ll miss his character, but I won’t miss the distracting sexual chemistry he always seems to have with the actress who plays his teenage daughter. [E!]
Danii Minogue is sending healing Minogue vibes to ousted US X Factor host Cheryl Cole. The X Factor crisis, as the history books will know it, will soon require the intervention of Hillary Clinton, or we run the risk of another war with Great Britain and all of its former colonies. [Digital Spy]
Eva Mendes is not going to marry her beau of a billion years because she says marriage “isn’t personal,” which is ironic, because she just made a gigantic generalization about whether or not an institution can be personally significant to other people. “I find marriage universally impersonal.” Thinking is hard. [Showbiz Spy]
A bodyguard for Fergie and her hot husband saved the life of an airline passenger who slipped into a seizure on a commercial flight. Thank goodness that for the moments he was distracted, no one attempted to assassinate Fergie. Where would the world be without her leadership in both the London Bridge Affair (when we determined how come every time we come around her London London Bridge wanna go down) and in affairs of her humps. Her humps her humps her humps. Her lovely lady lumps. Check it out. [Digital Spy]
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