Boris Johnson's Daughter Fancies a Good Headband

Lara Johnson-Wheeler, daughter of British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is emerging from self-isolation at her family home to blog about nostalgia and headbands, but mostly to inform anyone reading that she’s got money. In a piece for Vogue, Johnson-Wheeler reminisced about decade-old clothes that, for some reason, were still stored in her childhood home, packed away in boxes and readily available when she ended up housed with her parents during the shutdown. “[My boyfriend and I] only brought two jumpers, a dress, a skirt, and a pair of trackies between us. I won’t even tell you how many pairs of underwear we packed,” she wrote. Not sharing the number of underwear feels like a missed opportunity.

But in great news for Johnson-Wheeler, her parents didn’t give away all of her teenage Juicy Couture, Kate Moss for Top Shop, Rihanna for River Island, or American Apparel. How else was Johnson-Wheeler supposed to reflect on her own life and develop a newfound appreciation for her “second-hand Pradas?” I feel the same ache in my heart over the Target rain boots I left behind in the abandoned Jezebel offices.

But old clothes and fond memories were not enough for Johnson-Wheeler, who felt the need to augment her old wardrobe with the two crucial pieces. “I did buy two headbands – one black and fluffy, from Shrimps, and one pink and from Prada – that I’ve been drooling over for months,” she wrote. “I’m allotting these spending choices as self-care; I needed something to remind myself that sometimes, in the midst of all this uncertainty, it’s ok to use fashion to remind myself who I am today.” Ah yes, a self-reflection purchase. Because nothing says we’re all in this together like a €145 Shrimps headband and a €300 satin Prada headband. Apparently Johnson-Wheeler looked deep inside and her inner soul is about $500 worth of headbands.

Despite Johnson-Wheeler’s several hundred words on the value of fashion during a crisis, I’m still left with more questions than answers, mainly about the English accessory game. Why was this the moment to purchase these things if she already held off on them for months? How does her family feel about these two headbands? Why are headbands so damn expensive? What do they do? Is there a massager in one of them? Does the headband stream HBO straight to the brain? Did the queen approve this purchase? Write more about the headbands, Lara, the commoners need to know.