Blog Posts I Was Gonna Do Here Today Before Thinking Better of It

Image via AP.
Image via AP.

As you know, today is International Women’s Day, which means us menfolk at Gizmodo Media decided to chip in and post here while the staff of Jezebel went to participate in the women’s strike. As you can see by our work here this morning, I think it’s safe to say that we have already proven that a world without women is truly a horrific prospect.


Anyway, last night Jezebel chief Emma Carmichael left a detailed note on the fridge for taking care of the site and not burning it to a crisp. Marching orders in hand, I decided to BRIANSTROM some ideas for our crossover. All of them were shitty and ill-advised, but it’s important that you see them in the fetal stages, so that you understand just how badly this site could be ruined by a lumbering shithead like me.

· Jezebel, Mansplained. Okay, so I was gonna put on my best Tucker Max voice and explain how Jezebel is, like, a Feminazi site, and how they wanna kill all the men and arrest us for being horny. SATIRE. This wouldn’t have gone over well.


· Hey! This Blog Is Much Bigger Then The Men’s Blog! You know the old gag about women having the nicer bathrooms? I was gonna do that, but for blogs. “This blog has curtains! LOL.” This wouldn’t have gone over well.

· I Don’t Need A Woman To Run This Woman’s Blog! So I was gonna use a post to explain how a man could run Jezebel just as easily as a woman could. But, in a twist, I was going to get the post all wrong. Like, lots of typos and exposed hyperlinks (like this! ) and what not. This wuldn’t hav gonnn over well

· Contrarian Beyonce Take. I like “Single Ladies” and “Crazy In Love,” and I enjoyed watching the first few minutes of “Lemonade” before closing out of the browser tab to go get a can of seltzer. But she’s not GOD, you know? There are other singers, too. Boy, that wouldn’t have gone over well. Actually, I shouldn’t have even put it here just now. I’ve made a terrible mistake, haven’t I?

· Something About Sex. Nope. Smothered that one before it even had a chance to germinate.


· The Following People Are Not Helping. I was gonna make a list of people who are really not helping, but I got stuck after writing MATT MCGORRY at the top of the doc.

· Pinterest Has Really Good Recipes. For real, any time my wife pulls a recipe off of Pinterest, it’s usually fucking great. That site has some cool ideas! If I were more secure, I’d get myself an account! This would have gone over tepidly, with some notes about it being problematic.


· The Fuck Is Going On With The Skins GM? It’s crazy, man. The guy was a recovering alcoholic and the team has effectively ghosted him and let rumors of his boozing spread throughout the sports world, but haven’t actually fired him! UNREAL. Anyway, this is a sports blog and it wouldn’t have gone over well.

· Kale Is Good! I know it’s become a tired punchline: shorthand for insufferable foodies and GOOP subscribers. But for real, if you fry it up in some olive oil and kosher salt, it’s pretty tasty shit. I use it in tacos! This would have gotten no page views of any kind.


· Twitter Shaming Assholes! Like this guy!


And this fuck:


Like shooting fish in a barrel. MANFISH. This actually would have done well. What a couple of shit-for-brains.

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.

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hardcöre umlaut

This post gets a stamp of approval from me, an apparently humorless feminist who was pissed at this morning’s posts.