Bieber Has 'A Lot of Feelings Going On In There,' So Just Let Him Live

Illustration for article titled Bieber Has 'A Lot of Feelings Going On In There,' So Just Let Him Live

In the last couple of years, Justin Bieber has cultivated somewhat of a bad-boy image. He has had dalliances with car-racing; he has thrown wild parties; he has irritated his neighbors; he has worn drop-crotch leather pants. But it seems like Biebz is finally starting to learn the thing it took Jack Nicholson, like, 30-odd more years to realize: you can run from the bullshit, but eventually, the bullshit catches up to you.


Wednesday evening, after an appearance on Ellen (who, by the way, is a lot of fun, it was her birthday, she's amazing, happy birthday, Ellen), a very beleaguered (beliebered?) Bieber took to social media aka God's therapist, in order to chat with the fans about how he's being perceived right now.

"I didn't wanna come off arrogant or conceited, basically how I've been acting in the past year, year and a half," said Bieber in a darkened room, proving to all that he reads his own press. (Don't read your press, dude!) "I'm not who I was pretending to be. When I say 'pretending,' it's often, we pretend to be something we're not as a cover-up of what we're truly feeling inside, and there was a lot of feelings going on in there."

Yo, shout the fuck out to Bieber's therapist, who has seriously been doing some nose-to-grindstone breakthrough work with this young man, and probably getting him to realize that transitioning from baby-faced YouTube baby to aspiring 2 Fast 2 Furious extra less than three seconds after his testes dropped was not very becoming to his fans. And now, he's doing some serious outreach by making honest videos like this and writing acoustic guitar songs about love and God and, presumably, reading some deep-ass fourth year grad student psychology texts, just for good measure.

"I really want people to know how much I care, and how I'm not that person to say 'I don't give a fuck,' you know, I'm not that kid," he continued. The problem is that the words "I don't give a fuck" rolled off his tongue more naturally than any of the rest of them. Which, yeah, great syntax, but. Regardless, he just wants to "make the best impression on people and be kind and loving and gentle and soft." Annnnd cut! Box office smash! Ship it to TMZ!



Therapist? Ha! Try publicist. Image rescue underway. Per Blind Gossip...

You may be wondering what is going on with this young performer. Years of crazy and destructive behavior have suddenly come to a screeching halt. Want to hear what's really happening?

There was a come-to-Jesus meeting a few weeks ago. There were five main topics addressed in the meeting. 1. Although he still has plenty of money, there is more cash going out than coming in. 2. There are people in the music industry he wants to work with who are refusing to work with him. 3. He wants to be a movie star but can't get anything except voice work. 4. There is some sort of legal issue (we don't know what it is) looming on the horizon. 5. The only way to tackle all of these issues simultaneously is by completely overhauling his image in a very short period of time.

He very reluctantly agreed to do it. The result: The 2015 Makeover Tour! Conservative looks, dress and behavior, and feigned humility and cooperation to convince you that he is a good person who is easy to work with. He and his team have a list of words to use regularly to promote his new image (kind, soft, loving, caring, accountable, responsible, god, faith, blessed, generous, giving, charity, mom, son, family) and they are choosing their venues carefully.

"The new image is completely fake and he knows it! That's why he looks so miserable and uncomfortable. He doesn't believe anything that he is saying but he knows he has to say it. He's like the thief who knows he has to carry around a bible and claim that he's found god in order to con the parole board into letting him out of jail. His team is actually rehearsing with him and making him say stuff over and over again so he sounds believable."