Beyoncé's Pregnant: The Five Things You'll Hear for the Next 9 Months

The British have Kate Middleton, but across the pond, we’ve got Beyoncé. The Queen of America is with child, and it is time to succumb to the wildest rumors that will undoubtedly consume our thoughts until Bey’s second baby is birthed. Did Beyoncé go to Cuba to become impregnated with Fidel Castro’s child? Is this just part two in her plan to subvert the patriarchy with Illuminati children? In the span of nine months, we’re going to hear all kinds of shit.

1. SURROGATE! SURROGATE!

Remember when Tamar Braxton, Toni Braxton’s sister that no one cares about, kept telling people that she thought Beyoncé used a surrogate for Blue Ivy because of Beyoncé Stomach-foldgate? Get ready for round two. Hopefully, Braxton will blink into a camera somewhere and say the same thing about Baby #2 because there’s no such thing as too many fake lashes and fake baby bump conspiracies.

2. ILLUMINATI! ILLUMINATI!

Did you guys know the “Ivy” part of “Blue Ivy” actually stands for Illuminati’s Very Youngest? Now you know. Hunker down and get some Illuminati facts before they start controlling your brain, you. Now that another Beyoncé Yung Illuminati is on the way, maybe his/her middle name will be Ivvy, for Illumanti’s Very Very Yungest (Blue Ivy Aint Got Shit On Dis).

3. BABY NAMES! BABY NAMES!

Everyone likes to speculate that Beyoncé will name her second child with the same formula she named her first (color+plant). But people tend to forget that parents get lazier with their second kid. There isn’t as much excitement as with the first, you have to change diapers while spitballing potential names, or in Beyoncé’s case, spitballing names, watching a nanny change diapers while you’re getting your makeup done so you can sing for the president and other such Beyoncé stuff. This time around, I’m thinking she’ll switch things up with another simple formula: ice cream+flavor. “Cherry Garcia” and “Americone Dream” are perfectly acceptable names to me. And even if they weren’t, it’s Beyoncé. She runs the world, etc.

4. KOMPARISONS! KOMPARISONS!

Everyone is all about Kim Kardashian and her swollen feet these days; Beyoncé is now doubt procreating just to show Kim how pregnancy is done. Remember that stunning, pregnancy friendly one-shoulder orange number from the VMA’s? Remember how she cupped her baby bump and looked like a goddess of fertility? Remember how she wasn’t a gigantic sad floral sofa constantly running from the Internet? We need pregnant Beyoncé back.

5. DEEPER MEANING! DEEPER MEANING!

For generations, astrologers and old potheads from Woodstock have pondered when we will enter the Age of Aquarius. Cherry Garcia Ivvy will bring the dawning of harmony and trust between all humans, the end to wars and natural disasters. She/he will fulfill the astrological prophecy that we could so use right now. Keep your fingers crossed and your kundilini’s focused on they day of Beyoncé’s second child and hopefully the stars will align in our, and Beyoncé’s, favor.