Beyoncé Is Carrying, and Has Carried, Her Own Children, You Haters

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Beyoncé’s twin-pregnancy announcement yesterday seemed to make the Hive (aka practically everyone) feel like Carol Anne in Poltergeist after she was kidnapped by malevolent spirits; we were trapped inside a moonless wormhole (Trump) until we heard our mom (Bey) plead if but for a second, “Carol Anne! Run into the light!” (Beyoncé is also the light.)

In other words, America needed this temporary respite and on the first day of Black History Month, even. (As Jean Grae and Donwill joked last night at her hilarious and excellent monthly talk show—after making the audience stand up for “the official Black History Month anthem,” CB4's “I’m Black Y’all”—celebrities like Beyoncé, Pharrell and Helen, and Ciara are replenishing the world with their illuminati babies.) (Shout to rich people and what we might suspect is in vitro fertilization.) Today, Bey continues this mental equivalent of a backrub to cure an ulcer by releasing a host of brand new pregnancy photos along with archival images from her marriage to Jay Z, celebrity sustenance to remind us that some things can still be viscerally good. She included snippets of poems by Warshan Shire:

girl turning into woman

woman turning into mother

mother turning into venus


Here is the photograph of Beyoncé as Venus posing with a bust of Nefertiti that you never knew you needed.

Additionally, Beyoncé would like all the doubters and naysayers to know that she is carrying her own twins, and she did carry Blue before, and your secret surrogacy theories are absolutely for naught.


She didn’t really need to do that—“y’all haters corny with that illuminati mess”—and it probably would have been better just to stay silent on the topic. However it is nice that she would still share these maternity pics nonetheless. Good luck to everyone, Beyoncé and non-Beyoncé, who is having a child right now!!! You can see the rest of these motherhood photos, including an underwater shoot that’s right off America’s Next Top Model—I can hear Tyra’s voice screaming about giving face while not breathing—at


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