Best Practices For Preventing Your Husband From Fucking the Nanny

In light of recent controversies absolutely rocking the nanny industry—a near-confirmed Ben Affleck affair, a rumored Gavin Rossdale affair—the New York Post has offered some advice for safeguarding your marriage.

First, they recommend avoiding hot 20-something nannies altogether, which seems like fairly reasonable advice if you’re married to an actor with sociopathic tendencies. One woman interviewed for the article adheres to this notion, and “has a middle-aged nanny she adores.”

According to Seth Norman Greenberg, VP of Pavillion Agency, “more and more clients are requesting pictures of candidates along with their bios,” which could spell bad news for any nannies cursed with a reasonably attractive face.

But if you are determined to hire someone fuckable to care for your children, the Post has several helpful tips for desexualizing them in the eyes of your wayward, ungovernable brute of a husband. One suggestion, offered by Greenberg, is a dress code of “chinos and a button-down shirt.” Here are some additional suggestions that The Post appears to have left out:

Limit your nanny’s showering privileges to once a fortnight.
Deprive your nanny of Vitamin D. Do not, under any circumstances, allow her outdoors.
Ask your nanny to kill and butcher all of the meat served to your family. Capture it on your nanny cam, and email a supercut to your husband.
Force your nanny to share a closet with your 12-year-old daughter. See how good she looks in low-rise Hollister pants, size double-zero!
Break your nanny’s pelvis.
Take your husband to the first performance of your nanny’s level 1 improv class.
Marry a gay man.
Marry a good person.