Battery-Powered Self Control Is the Future of Dieting

The Problem: You’re a fatty fat lardy lard who eats your fatty, lardy food at an alarmingly fast rate and you’re always making excuses to not work out. “It’s raining! I’m tired! The Kardashians are on!” you yell in between rapid bites of mac-n-cheese with bacon bits on top. You’re desperately unable to control your basic human instinct to avoid the gym at all costs.

The Solution: TECHNOLOGY. You live in the future, where indulging yourself with online delivery food and exquisite amounts of lounging around, watching TV and rapidly stuffing your face is available at the touch of a screen. So why not let technology help you?

That’s exactly what the creators behind HAPIfork and FitBit had in mind. The former is a $100 vibrating fork that prevents you from gorging on your food too quickly by vibrating and lighting up when you take consecutive bites of your food too quickly. It logs your meal teams on an app that lets you track your eating pace. The latter is an activity-tracking device that wirelessly syncs with your computer, smart phone, and even your refrigerator, to track your every step, how many hours you sleep and, of course, how many calories you’ve burned. One FitBit user has made it so his refrigerator’s power shuts off if he doesn’t get enough exercise in one day. (There’s always the pantry, dude.)

So what if you let HAPIfork and FitBit help you in your goal to attain a healthier lifestyle? On one hand, the tracking aspect of these products allows for users to reflect on their eating and exercise habits. But there’s something a bit odd about handing over your self control to some battery-operated devices. What if your HAPIfork gets so mad about you eating your lasagna in under 3 minutes that it stabs you in the face?! I don’t think the HAPIfork creators mentioned any potential for that in their Kickstarter video, but still, the whole concept behind HAPIfork and FitBit just gives me flashbacks to Smart House.