As of this week I am 32. It feels old. It is not old, but things like full-day hangovers and friends having babies make it feel old. My hair has a little patch that’s starting to thin, and my forehead is creased, and my eyes have little lines at the corners when I smile. It is all downhill from here unless I fight back using everything modern cosmetic science has to offer. I’m lazy as shit, though. I’m going to keep on not washing my face.
7 A.M.
I am not a morning person and yet I wake up ass-early. My schedule is vestigial—back when Deadspin was three writers and I was the most junior, I was ordered to get up first to make sure there were blogs on the site. Now I’m an editor and I still get up first to make sure there are blogs on the site. Every goddamn morning I think about changing my schedule. But I probably never will because my brain never finds that happy medium between thoughtful and spacey better than it does from underneath a caul of grogginess.
First things first: shower time. My body wash is from CVS. It’s the cheapest per ounce at the store, and the store is the closest one to my house. I like it because it’s labeled “face and body” wash, because I guess some people think you shouldn’t use body wash on your face? This one assures me it’s OK. I generally rotate through the scents, so it’s not as if “Romance” was a conscious choice.
For shampoo, Suave is as good as anything. The OGX Nourishing Coconut Milk Conditioner was forced upon my apartment by an ex-girlfriend who made its presence a requirement for her to spend the night. But it’s been a been a bunch of months since then, and there’s still a lot in the bottle, so I guess I don’t really use conditioner all that often. I should give it away. Do you want this conditioner? It smells really good! But conditioner always makes my hair feel like I didn’t thoroughly wash out all the shampoo.
Time to shave. I use a Philips Norelco Multigroom every week or so to keep my beard neat. To shave my neck I’m quite loyal to my Gillette Fusion Proglide—I know it’s probably marketing horsecrap, but I swear I cut myself less with Flexball razors. I prefer shaving cream to shaving gel, and Barbasol with aloe is solid. I adore aftershave—the way it burns in any cuts, the alcohol-crisp sting—but I’m not picky on the brand. My current one is a generic CVS version of Mennen Skin Bracer.
I do not brush my teeth just yet, because coffee immediately follows a shower and precedes a blog. This is non-negotiable. Thin, watery coffee is fine. I used to drink instant. Now I have a Keurig. I know what you’re going to say to that, but I urge you to save your breath and take your argument to the toilet where it belongs.
Some hours later
I like to go in to the office late. What’s the point of having a job that lets you work from home if you don’t use that flexibility to make sure you never have to spend eight full hours in an office? A commute around 11 a.m. or even noon allows me to avoid the teens on the subway, which is a nice bonus.
Before leaving the house, I throw on some Mitchum Advanced Control deodorant—again, just about any brand will do, but it has to be antiperspirant as well. I’ve accidentally bought without before, and promptly find scentless liquid cascading from my armpits. Not nice.
Cologne is just about the only thing I’m particular about. It’s going to last a long-ass time, and for some reason there’s no compliment more satisfying than “you smell nice,” so I’d better be happy with it. At the moment I’m using two fragrances from the same company, which I first sampled in a store in D.C. last year and was so unable to decide between them that I bought both. The Royall Lyme is citrusy and light and feels more appropriate for daytime; the Royall Muske is peaty and strong. If I use the lime, it gets four sprays total, on wrists and behind the ears; if the musk, just two. It’s heavy stuff.
I consider washing my face with some generic CVS hand soap. I do not. (My soap gets used almost solely for washing my hands after using the bathroom. If I get dirty from a mess anywhere outside the bathroom, I will generally just use the dish soap in the kitchen because it’s closer.)
If it’s an extremely humid day, sometimes I’ll put Gold Bond Medicated Powder on my balls. It keeps things dry, yes, but so would talcum powder. The reason men use Gold Bond, and which Gold Bond can never publicly advertise, is that it feels cool and tingly and wonderful on your junk.
One thing I use every commute, when I first step outside, is lip balm. Blistex is aces, for that nice medicinal tingle. I’ve read that you don’t really need lip balm, that it’s actually holding you back and your lips will naturally provide enough moisture if you just leave them alone for long enough, but I’m not willing to wait that long.
I don’t know lets say 4 p.m.
As the afternoon at the office drags, I’ll occasionally use Kiehl’s In-Flight Refreshing Facial Mist. My coworker Puja got this somewhere and keeps it on her desk, though I think Jia and I are the only people who actually use it. It’s meant for air travelers, because long flights can make you feel like stale shit. This is supposed to perk you up, and it’s briefly tingly in a pleasant, eucalyptus-y way? And then it disappears in two seconds and you’re back to stale shit. Whatever, it’s a perfectly lovely two seconds.
I peace out of work around six, and let’s be honest, most days I go home and do nothing. To serve this exercise and my ego, let’s pretend I’m a cool guy who is going out with my many many close friends, or with a lady.
Before going out-out
Shower again, put on deodorant and cologne (the sexy musk one, duh), and if I’m feeling really sharp, some New York Shaving Company Beard Cream. I am 95 percent sure it’s just regular moisturizer, since it says you should rub it into your bare skin as well. It feels good and smells nice, but I rarely actually use it. I only have it because we were sent a freebie at the office and I’m the only Deadspinner with anything resembling a beard, so I took it.
I do have real moisturizer, which, like my conditioner, is a remnant of an ex-girlfriend who used it religiously and would not go a night without it. I tried using it to masturbate once, obviously, but I would not recommend it: This one is Gold Bond Body Lotion, which means it starts to tingle after a couple of minutes, which means it is downright painful on private areas. You’ve got to be quick, and you’re going to pay either way.
Before bed
Brush. Floss? Maybe. Wash my face? Nah, I’m going to shower in not-that-many hours anyway.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
