Bar Soap's for the Shower, Liquid's for the Sink, These Are the Rules on How Not to Stink

By Madeleine Davies | August 26, 2016 | 6:50pm

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Does the news that millennials are no longer using bar soap have you all worked up in a lather? Get over yourself, ya big freak! What people use to clean their bodies isn’t YOUR business, it’s MY business.

Bar soap should not be going out of style because bar soap has a very specific place in this world and that place is on your shower rack in your shower. (Don’t have a shower rack? IT’S 2016! Get one already!) Despite your squeamishness about “germs” or “pubes,” bar soap is the best soap for body-washing, probably better than actual body wash, because bar soap is better for your skin (evidence: anecdotal) and better for the environment (less packaging). Getting grossed out about sharing bar soap is silly because you do not need to to touch it directly to most of your bod. Put it between your hands, work up some suds, then use your mitts to scrub up in those hard to reach places.

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Yes, the bar soap will get coated in bacteria regardless, but counterpoint: A little bacteria is probably good for you. If bar soap was good enough for doctors at the advent of surgery, it is good enough for my butt.

But while it’s good enough for butts, it is not good enough for hands whether they be mine or yours. That’s why, to be a successful adult, you should exclusively keep liquid soap next to the sink. Bar soap, when used at a sink, tends to sit it the soap dish with water for too long. It gets slimy and feels disgusting. (That’s why shower racks are ideal—drainage.) It also can cause a mess, leaving soap scum all over your bathroom counter. What a pain! Treat yourself to a better life and pump post dump!

It’s fine if you want to disagree with me because this is the UNITED FRICKIN’ STATES OF AMERICA, but you will be wrong—wrong like Joanna and Bobby and Kelly Faircloth who let’s just say are doing the best that they can.

Aimee’s aunt, I think we all agree, sounds lovely and skilled at decorating her home with pleasant touches that all guests can enjoy. Have a nice weekend, everyone!