Baker on Craigslist Will Only Hire Men Because They Can Lift, Bro

Ladies, I hope you haven’t been harboring any dreams of working in a bakery in the near future, because it turns out you’re just too puny and girly to handle the demands of the job.

A California bakery in Hayward/Castro Valley is advertising on Craigslist for an open position, with one teeny tiny catch. They only want men to apply, because the job involves—wait for it—heavy lifting. Oh Jesus Christ.

I am looking for an individual to help out in our small bakery in Hayward! We need an extra baker and we are looking for a man who is local and doesn’t mind working at a start-up. The reason we need a man is there will be lifting involved and we need to feel comfortable the lifting won’t be an issue. You need to be able to lift 50lbs very comfortably.

By the way, that’s a violation of PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING. But don’t worry! They have a list of “requirements” for the job, to help us understand why lady folk need not bother to apply:

Ability to work quickly and efficiently

Well, we can’t do this one because as you know, ladies are always painfully slow, since we constantly have to fidget with our Diva cups and fancy hairstyles and whatnot!

Good verbal and written communication skills.

ME RITE! ME RITE GUUUD. HEY YOU MANFOLK. LISTEN TO ME LADY. ME GOTS GOOD COMMUNYCAYSHUN SKILLS! Y U NO HYRE ME?

Ability to lift up to 50 lbs.

Please, I carry the entire weight of the entire patriarchy on my shoulders! What’s another 50 lbs?

Punctual, Reliable.

How can you expect me to be on time for work when I have to spend so much time doing my makeup in case a hot husband prospect shows up on my shift? What if a rich man shows up to your bakery and I look frumpy? I’LL BE DOOMED TO LIVE WITH MY CATS AND WALLOW IN MY MOTHER’S DISAPPOINTMENT FOREVER. Is that what you want, Mr. Baker? Is it?

Safety oriented.

My vagina is a dangerous, deadly unreliable trap. It’s true. It could blow up at any minute. I cannot be responsible for that.

Must be able to work well with others.

Must also be able to turn a blind eye to sexist ogres who think women are fragile daisies who don’t want to break their nails lifting or touching things that aren’t blessed by Selene, the Moon Goddess.

Open availability including weekends, and holidays.

I’m fine with working Thanksgiving or Christmas, but making me work on Lesbos Liberation Day is a deal breaker! Who will serve as the Sacred Druidess during the Blessing of the Womb of Venus? I mean, Samantha’s taken a few online courses, but she hasn’t been certified by the Sisters of the Red Tent. I can’t just leave the Coven empty handed, you know.

US work eligibility

US work eligibility now requires a penis. I’m so sorry, ladies. I hear there are some vagina friendly job openings in Newfoundland this time of year.