Bad Bunny Can Warm My Bench Any Day

Since its inception, the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, presented by Ruffles, has been the least exciting part of All-Star weekend—a moment to watch pseudo-celebrities and musicians with almost no athletic ability play a game in which WNBA stars and NBA retirees try not to crush them. But this year one man clutched everyone’s attention in his perfectly manicured talons: Bad Bunny. Fresh off a Super Bowl performance with his elderly friends, he graced the hardwood in Chicago to play no more than ten minutes of what I have been told is basketball. As he warmed up in his pink uniform, equipped with shorts that adequately displayed his perfect legs, the king of the #LatinoGang sported a black skully and a delicate gold nose ring. The seconds he spent breathlessly jogging from one side of the court to the other were magical.

Bad Bunny played on Team Wilbon, alongside some of his more athletically inclined celebrity friends like Common, Jidenna, and Kane Brown. To my dismay, these four men did not stop at any point in the game to form a supergroup and drop a single.

Facing off against Bad Bunny and co. was a second-team of C list celebrities interspersed piecemeal with actual celebrities like Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Rel. For reasons beyond my understanding, Bad Bunny did not use the half time break to do a Spanglish collab with Chance the Rapper and Taylor Bennett who was also there. Joining them was UCLA gymnast Katelyn Ohashi who put her entire team to shame when she backflipped her way onto the court – the only display of athletic ability throughout the entire evening. Katelyn who is a whopping five feet tall spent most of her time on the bench probably avoiding any eye contact with assistant coach Guy Fieri who wore a camouflage parka to the game.

You know who should have gotten more camera time? Bad Bunny, obviously. The camera team chose to focus on game action when they could have just shown a full hour of this beautiful man, whose talents in the recording booth far exceed his ball handling. Although the few clips of Bad Bunny playing defense, leaning his body onto other players and laughing, made sitting at home on Valentine’s Day, ignoring my partner, worth it.

After starting in the first quarter, Bad Bunny spent most of the game on the bench wrapped in a Gatorade towel trying to catch his breath. Between his performances last year and this year, it’s clear that Bad Bunny has zero skill in the sport of basketball. I don’t care. Invite him to more sporting events. Put him in more colorful uniforms. There’s something about watching Bad Bunny haul his dad bod to and fro for a quick burst of time—and then spend the next hour attempting to breathe normally—that gives me a real lady boner. My suggestion is someone should host a celebrity tennis tournament and dress Bad Bunny in an all-white satin outfit. It won’t be comfortable, but hot damn will he look good running.