Artificial Sweeteners Are Turning You Into a Fatty Fat McFat

Today in Everything You Like is Bad For You: non-sugar sweeteners, conventionally thought to curb sugar cravings by satiating sweet teeth without packing as many calories as the white stuff, are actually responsible for making you crave sugar more.

The new study from Yale (so you know it’s Smart) found that people who consume artificial sweeteners consume more calories than those who just surrender to sugar because apparently your brain is smarter than your tongue and can’t be fooled into thinking it had sugar when really it had SPLENDA or TRUVIA or other things that sound like they could double as names that little girls give their dolls.

So, to summarize: artificial sweeteners are making you fat and being fat is making you sad and being sad is making you ugly and being ugly is making you depressed and being depressed is making you want sugar and round and round and round it goes until you turn into a tornado of self-loathing.