Today’s news out of Oregon, a state that is not Florida but might as well be in this case: a man is accused of breaking into a couple’s home, eating a cupcake, making coffee, and putting on a woman’s Christmas onesie, like a true Santa from Hell. He allegedly did all these things in the company of his trusty sidekick/literal cat burglar Spaghetti, and now, man and cat are in trouble with the law.
According to local station Fox 12, the suspect, one Ryan Bishop, allegedly broke into a Gresham, Oregon couple’s home sometime on Sunday, Spaghetti in tow. At around 3:45 p.m., the homeowners noticed something was amiss, so they checked a crawl space underneath the house, where Spaghetti was hidden (wearing, per Fox 12, a “cat shirt.” I need photos).
They probed further, whereupon they discovered Bishop:
Officers arrived and the suspect, 38-year-old Ryan Douglas Bishop, emerged from the crawl space. The woman who lives in the home pointed out that Bishop was wearing her “Christmas onesie” pajamas.
“Indeed he was. She requested it not be returned,” according to the Gresham Police Department.
Bishop has been charged with first-degree burglary, first-degree criminal mischief and third-degree theft. Spaghetti, whom Fox 12 describes as “uncooperative,” was taken in by Animal Control.
There are many confusing plot points here—what’s a “cat shirt?” Where did the cupcake come from? Why do houses have crawl spaces, exclusive homes and travel routes for burglars and movie aliens? And, most importantly, this: a police investigation revealed that Bishop had grabbed the Christmas onesie out of the dryer. It is JULY. Christmas onesies are for NOT JULY. I need answers.