This week, the former student body President at the University of Texas named Thor published a blog post entitled "What I've Learned About Women." People mocked the shit out of it, because it reads like Bret Easton Ellis freebased Pixie Stix until he forgot how to speak English and then re-taught himself using 5 second clips from MTV's Tool Academy.
And as a woman who sexually prefers men, his self-contradictory bits of sleazy pickup advice for drunk idiot broslices who want to convince drunk idiot ladybroslices to touch them on the penis is pretty un-servicey. But Thor's knowledge dingleberries are not completely useless to everyone. In fact, until Thor stepped up, we had no way of knowing what a woman actually is.
Unfortunately, Thor Lund's guide to What Thor Lund Knows About Women was taken down after "the most incredible woman [Thor] have ever met and who will some day be the first woman President" stopped being friends with Thor because she was "ashamed and embarrassed" by what he wrote. But, thanks to Google Cache and Copy/Paste, we've still got Thor Lund's original post in all its glory.
Even though it cost him a friendship, it's hard to argue that Lund — current student and former student government President at the University of Texas — has inadvertently pieced together the world's first definitive guide to what constitutes a woman, an invaluable sociological tool sure to be utilized by academics and journalists for generations. Let's skip the foreplay and get right to the down/dirty, shall we? Are You A Woman?
[So as to not adulterate Thor Lund's wisdom, the "right" answers contain nearly direct quotes from Thor's magnum opus.]
How often do you cause things to happen?
A. Never. Everything is the result of a million confluences of circumstances, every breath a serendipitous gift or an indifferent entropic curse.
C. Every single thing that has ever happened is because of me and people like me. Wars are fought over me, songs are written for me, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Michael Jordan would not be the greatest NBA player in history if it wasn't because he loved people like me. I am all of life's motivation.
Why do you deserve love?
A. Because I'm a human being and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.
B. Because I'm nice.
C. Because I will some day be a mother.
How can a person (person = man) be sure you're telling the truth?
A. You can never be sure anyone is telling the truth. Trust is ignoring insurmountability of another's otherness.
B. I tell little white lies sometimes but I never lie about important things to people I love.
C. I am lying all day long. I lie about my feelings, my weight, how much cardio I did, and what I think of my best friend's oversized purse. The only way to make sure I'm not lying is to get me naked, do sex to me (penis sex), and ask me questions afterward. Sperm is like truth serum.
Do you make sense?
A. Does anything?
B. Yeah, most of the time. I'm a human being, kind of like a man.
C. I am counterintuitive. I have evolved over millions of years to be able to pick out the snakes from the lovers and protectors.
How do you show a man you want to sleep with him?
A. Pheromones. Or I just invite him over to watch Netflix, which is code for "let's have sex."
B. Never. I'm a lesbian.
C. My eyes and my toes. The toes tell all. If my feet are pretty and my nails are painted then you can assume the rest of my body is well groomed and cleaned. If I have gross feet, then chances are I have a gross you know what and you will want to avoid that at all costs. If you can't see my toes, go to the hands.
Why are you so confusing?
A. I'm a complex individual human being who isn't defined by some imaginary gender monolith.
B. Because I'm a lesbian.
C. "The answer is science, or something like that."
How do you decide which men to sleep with?
A. I usually just go with the most reliably good option.
B. I don't sleep with men. I'm a lesbian.
C. No, in less than a second I am either attracted to someone or I am not. I want a man who is going to get me pregnant and stick around to protect and feed the tribe. The evolutionary subconscious attraction switch still turns on or off just like it did when we were chasing wooly mammoth.
How should men approach you?
A. As though I am another human being.
B. Platonically. Because, again, I am a lesbian.
C. Tell me they can't stand me. Make fun of my oversized purse and ask me if I keep a parachute inside it. Tell me that you don't like it that I am so mean to young children. Walk up to me and say "hey you seem like no one will be your friend, so I'll let you buy thirty seconds of my time. I'll take a whiskey coke."
What will literally blown your mind?
C. When a guy buys all of your friends a drink and doesn't buy you one and then tells you it's "because you are frowning too much."
Are you special?
A. I have a unique sequence of DNA that has never existed before and will never exist again.
C. I am special when I am lumped in with all other women, but individually I am not, unless I am Thor Lund's sister or mom or wife.
Theoretically, if Thor Lund vomited on you, would you still like him?
C. Are you kidding? Vomit's my favorite aphrodisiac.
Do you like nice boys?
A. Yes. I like nice people.
B. Platonically, but again, I'd like to remind you that I'm a lesbian.
C. I hate nice clingy boys who do everything I want. It doesn't make sense but that is how it is.
What is the best way for a man to open a conversation?
A. A joke.
B. There is literally no way for a man to get my attention sexually because I, along with millions of other actual real women, am a lesbian.
C. Saying "hello" and then asking me if I like technology. And then when I try to talk about technology and what my favorite is, he doesn't let me. He says it's just a yes or no question. Then he slowly nods his head and says "I figured you would say that." It actually drives me crazy!
Mostly A's: You're an unfuckable nerd with thinky tendencies. Definitely not a woman.
Mostly B's: You're a lesbian. Also not a woman.
Mostly C's: Congratulations! YOU ARE A WOMAN. Thor Lund doesn't understand you, but by gum, he'll make you into his most prized fuckpuppet if it's the last thing he does. I'll let him explain his thoughts on you with his own majestic words:
In conclusion, women are the best. You should love them and treat them with respect. Do the opposite of what they want, unless they say no. Always do what they say when they say no! I am by no means a master of any of this. I strike out twice as much as I succeed. In the next post are some of my biggest failures, they are funny, and I actually suck with girls, I have just managed to find a couple things that work and keep swinging even after I strike out over and over again. Sometimes I worry that I am callous to love and emotion because I will block a girl after she leaves my apartment because I never want to hear from her again, and I can't even remember her name. So then I have to block like four girls with the name that I think it could be. But…. some day I will love someone, and make her my wife, and have children and settle down. I thought I found her twice, but turns out I didn't because one is in Costa Rica, and the other doesn't love me back for whatever reason, actually she has plenty of reason.
Love, respect, failure, empathy, lack of empathy, stupidity,emotion, lack of respect, wives, Thor's mom, sex friends, puke, purses, Costa Rica. Exactly. This guy for President of everything!
[h/t The Daily Texan]
Image by Sam Woolley, photo via Shutterstock