This week, the former student body President at the University of Texas named Thor published a blog post entitled “What I’ve Learned About Women.” People mocked the shit out of it, because it reads like Bret Easton Ellis freebased Pixie Stix until he forgot how to speak English and then re-taught himself using 5 second clips from MTV’s Tool Academy.
And as a woman who sexually prefers men, his self-contradictory bits of sleazy pickup advice for drunk idiot broslices who want to convince drunk idiot ladybroslices to touch them on the penis is pretty un-servicey. But Thor’s knowledge dingleberries are not completely useless to everyone. In fact, until Thor stepped up, we had no way of knowing what a woman actually is.
Unfortunately, Thor Lund’s guide to What Thor Lund Knows About Women was taken down after “the most incredible woman [Thor] have ever met and who will some day be the first woman President” stopped being friends with Thor because she was “ashamed and embarrassed” by what he wrote. But, thanks to Google Cache and Copy/Paste, we’ve still got Thor Lund’s original post in all its glory.
Even though it cost him a friendship, it’s hard to argue that Lund — current student and former student government President at the University of Texas — has inadvertently pieced together the world’s first definitive guide to what constitutes a woman, an invaluable sociological tool sure to be utilized by academics and journalists for generations. Let’s skip the foreplay and get right to the down/dirty, shall we? Are You A Woman?
[So as to not adulterate Thor Lund’s wisdom, the “right” answers contain nearly direct quotes from Thor’s magnum opus.]
How often do you cause things to happen?
A. Never. Everything is the result of a million confluences of circumstances, every breath a serendipitous gift or an indifferent entropic curse.
B. Sometimes.
C. Every single thing that has ever happened is because of me and people like me. Wars are fought over me, songs are written for me, I’m going to go out on a limb and say Michael Jordan would not be the greatest NBA player in history if it wasn’t because he loved people like me. I am all of life’s motivation.
Why do you deserve love?
A. Because I’m a human being and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.
B. Because I’m nice.
C. Because I will some day be a mother.
How can a person (person = man) be sure you’re telling the truth?
A. You can never be sure anyone is telling the truth. Trust is ignoring insurmountability of another’s otherness.
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