Archaeologists Find Ancient Wine Proving Our Ancestors Were Drunks Too

YES.

In news about people who have way cooler jobs than mine, archaeologists unearthed the best find in the history of all time this week. (NO I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE OTHER STUFF THEY FOUND BEFORE. I DON’T CARE. ONLY THE WINE IS IMPORTANT)

Eric Cline and fellow colleagues are excavating ruins of a palace in Kabri, Israel, which has been buried in rubble for almost 3,700 years. A few months ago, the team of people who obviously made better curriculum choices in college than I did found a ceramic jug, which once contained 13 gallons of liquid believed to be wine. But then it gets really, really awesome, y’all!

They found a whole freaking wine cellar:

More than 500 gallons of wine were once stored in a room connected to the palace, located in modern-day northern Israel, scientists said Friday at a conference in Baltimore. That’s enough vino to fill 3,000 wine bottles — or a seven-person hot tub

Also, HOT TUB FULL OF WINE = BEST IDEA EVAAAAH. But wait, even better than that? These Bronze Age winemakers were getting all fancy with their wine, making special varietals!

They were infusing their drink with oils and resins from herbs, nuts and wood, says archaeologist Eric Cline of George Washington University. “It was a resinated wine, like the Greek wine retsina.”

Archaeological chemists* are now studying the jugs to find out just what the wine was made of.

[Andrew] Koh and his team also found evidence of a whole slew of flavors and infusions in the ancient wines. They contained pistachio oil and cedar oil, which probably served as preservatives, Cline says. There were also signs of cinnamon, honey and juniper berries or mint.

The team still isn’t exactly sure of the complete recipe, but it appears to be the same in each jug.

They believe it’s the oldest wine cellar found to date, and archaeologists describe the personal stash of wine as “massive,” or as I like to call it “Burt’s Typical Saturday Wine Order.”

Also, I just want to say the stock photo industry really needs to reconsider why “Drunk Caveman” is not a more lucrative search. That is all.

(*seriously, what the hell was I thinking in college? I studied ‘film.’ Why, Burt? Why.)