Giraffe Gives Birth to Son Before 5 Million Viewers

Harpursville, New York got more attention than it’s probably seen in years after its most famous resident gave birth this morning. The event was livestreamed, and at its peak, no less than five million viewers tuned in. But this was no ordinary birth to some damp human baby. The pregnant mother was April, a giraffe living in Animal Adventure Park a couple hours north of New York City, and her baby plopped out just fine.


Now, after hours of fevered anticipation, news is breaking that the calf is a boy. Mazel tov, April. That looked brutal as hell.

Here’s a brief FAQ of the most important event of our lifetimes (weekend):

Who Is April? As we’ve established, April is a 15-year-old reticulated giraffe. Her mate is Oliver, a male 10 years her junior. (Get it, girl). April is probably not super interesting in and of herself, but her keepers made the wise decision to hook a camera up to her pen and livestream her pregnancy. If there’s one thing that office drones love, it’s a livestream. It doesn’t even matter what it is—anything is more interesting than the walls of your cubicle prison. Would you rather watch April poop in a corner or file those data reports to Dan? That is what I thought.

How Long Have We Been Anticipating This? The feed was set live on February 10, which was nearish the time April was expected to go into labor. (The average gestation period for a giraffe is around 15 months.) It was briefly darkened after some trolls flagged it for “nudity and sexual content,” but resumed after April’s loyal fans responded with justifiable outrage.

How Important Is This Birth? The BBC proclaimed that this the “most anticipated birth since Prince George.” That is correct, and will probably remain true until Beyoncé’s twins show up. Since the stream went live, a total of 20 million viewers tuned in to witness what boiled down to a few seconds of grisly action.

What Does A Giraffe Giving Birth Look Like? Regardless of the species, it’s important to remember that the miracle of life is horrifying to behold. Take a look for yourself above, when the calf drops to the ground and enjoys its first moments on this fragile Earth being sprayed in the face by April’s viscera. I’m neither a giraffe nor a doctor, as you know, but at least some of that looks like pee. Probably as fitting a welcome to America right now as any.

Where Are We Now? It’s a boy! The calf will be named based on public input, with anyone who makes a donation to a forthcoming GoFundMe page eligible to vote. In the meantime, you can make a donation (with no vote attached) here.


Meyer Lansky Sqarrs

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