Apparently Ukrainian President Zelensky 'Loves' Trump's Ass

Illustration for article titled Apparently Ukrainian President Zelensky 'Loves' Trump's Ass
Photo: Olivier Douliery (AFP)

It gives me no pleasure to report that an American ambassador told President Donald Trump that Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky “loves your ass.” Oh, and also that the Ukrainian government would be moving forward with the investigation into Joe Biden, CNN reported on Friday. That’s probably the more important part.


Yes, that’s what the guy pictured above — who looks like “me drunkenly describing Joel Kinnaman to a sketch artist” — told lawmakers in his closed-door testimony as a part of the impeachment inquiry. David Holmes, who CNN described as “a U.S. official in Kiev who overheard the phone conversation” between U.S. Ambassador to the European Union Gordon Sondland and Trump. Holmes testified that Sondland said to Trump that Zelensky would do “anything you ask him to.” Furthermore, Zelensky would be moving forward with the investigation into the Bidens.

Here’s a critical paragraph from Holmes’s 10-page opening statement before the impeachment inquiry, emphasis mine. Holmes’ statement uses Ukrainian spellings of the president and cities (and double spaces after periods):

“I heard Ambassador Sondland greet the President and explain that he was calling from Kyiv. I heard President Trump then clarify that Ambassador Sondland was in Ukraine. Ambassador Sondland replied, yes, he was in Ukraine, and went on to state that President Zelenskyy “loves your ass.” I then heard President Trump ask, “So, he’s gonna do the investigation?” Ambassador Sondland replied that “he’s gonna do it,’ adding that President Zelenskyy will do “anything you ask him to.” Even though I did not take notes of these statement, Ihave clear recollection that these statements were made. I believe that my colleagues who were sitting at the table also knew that Ambassador Sondland was speaking with the President.”

While I regretfully don’t think the Ukrainian president was talking about Trump’s actual butt, it did briefly make for an interesting twist in the impeachment inquiry! Instead of sexual tension, looks like we just have regular ol’ (alleged) corruption.

Read Holmes’s full opening statement here, via CNN.


Arcanum Five

Guess who hauled his cholesterol-stuffed ass (that Zelinsky loves) to Walter Reed for an unannounced physical today!

Hint: He likes hamberders.

You are, of course, free to believe that an unannounced physical is a completely normal thing now even though his previous physicals have been widely publicized.