Pluto, minding its business
Pluto, minding its business
Image: Getty

There was a time, not too long ago considering the long history of our galaxy but also long enough ago considering how short our attention spans have gotten, when everyone was on Pluto’s side. Was it a planet or was it not? Yes! Shouted the public, because everyone loves an underdog. No! Shouted science, because, well, I assume it’s science’s job to tell the public they’re wrong.

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Given that science is frequently in control of these types of things, science won, and Pluto’s planetary status was demoted to that of a dwarf planet. And, because of the attention span situation I already mentioned, Pluto pretty quickly fell out of the place it briefly occupied in the public consciousness. That is, until recently, when it was revealed that this entire pandemic is apparently Pluto’s fault.

At least, that’s what astrologer Susan Miller is saying.

First, this crisis is brought to you by Pluto, a powerful planet that deals with huge financial matters, masses of people—and viruses. This year, Pluto in Capricorn will be traveling in conjunction with Jupiter in Capricorn within six degrees in a rare, once in 13-year meeting in the same signs. Jupiter is usually a jovial, generous planet, but in this case, Jupiter is compounding the problem. Jupiter is known to expand everything it touches, whether that brings more good fortune or more not-so-good-fortune depends on the conditions. In other words, Jupiter amplifies what Pluto reveals and wants to multiply, and few planets can multiply anything it touches faster than Jupiter.

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This forecast is quite the change of tone for Miller, who had previously said that 2020 was set to be a banner year. “It’s a great year,” she told us all on CBS New York, “There’s lots going on, and it will be a prosperous year. You know, they keep saying recession. No, I don’t see it, no. It’s gonna be good!” Do you see it now, Susan? Do you?

Personally, I am offended on behalf of Pluto, who I really think we should all just leave the fuck alone at this point. I mean really, we’ve already embarrassed it by telling it it couldn’t be a planet anymore, now we’re putting the burden of a global pandemic on its shoulders? I don’t think so, not on my watch. Leave Pluto alone!

Listen, I love astrology just as much as the next person looking to ascertain some kind of divine understanding of the current circumstances we’ve found ourselves in, and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t purchased the last three new and full moon workshops offered by Chani Nicholas (and found them very helpful!), but can we just go ahead and take the blame for this one, and leave the planets out of it.

As far as I’m concerned, I can and will blame any misfortune in my life on any planet being in retrograde at any given time, but when it comes to Pluto, enough is enough.

freelance writer living in San Francisco. Please clap.

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