Apparently Sex on the Beach Is Bad for the Beach

While the sound of waves crashing and the sand under your feet may prompt your loins to burn, researchers on the Canary Islands are begging you to keep it in your pants.

A new study published in the Journal of Environmental Management called “Sand, Sun, Sea and Sex with Strangers” revealed that people fucking on Spain’s Canary Island beaches have caused quite a commotion in the ecosystem. The study identified 298 “sex spots” within the Maspalomas nature reserve sand dunes.

The study breaks down the issue as follows:

“The direct impacts generated around the sex spots can be observed in several ways, such as the impacts on the vegetation, the abandonment of waste or the presence of urinal and defecation location. The most representative (in proportional order) are cigarette butts, torn/cut vegetation, toilet paper and wipes, condoms, fruit peel, cans and feces.”

Look, we’re all for getting horned up and leaning into it when the time is right and the partners are all consensual, but the desire to have beach sex is beyond comprehension.

For those of you who absolutely cannot meet elsewhere so the darkness amongst the dunes is the only place you and a potential sex partner or two can be united in carnal pleasures, then I’ll grant you a pass. For the rest of you, go bone where there are not little grains of UTIs everywhere. I can promise you that no one wants to find a sand crab in their hair or scramble for some baby powder to remove the sand on their cooch after coitus.

Lest you be an avid beach sex haver, specifically in the dunes of the Canary Islands, do not fear because the study emphasizes that they are not trying to cancel public sex.

“We’re not calling for an end to public sex,” write the authors. “But we do want people to be aware of the damage it can do.”

Message received, researchers. I’m sure there are plenty of other extremely hot places in Spain for everyone to find, uh, arousing.