Anthony Scaramucci, a parasitic lifeform commonly known as “the Mooch,” which learns to mimic human behavior from Gordon Gekko and then feeds on the insecurities of an aging rich white male–also the White House communications director–has been taking America on a wild ride this week, leaving us dazzled by how this administration manages to become unimaginably sleazier. And yet, boom, he manages.
A source told the New York Post that he chose to be with Donald Trump at the Boy Scouts Jamboree on Monday instead of attending the birth of his child. He then texted his wife, who had filed for divorce while nine months pregnant, the kind of thing that humans seem to say:
“When James was born, he sent her a text saying, ‘Congratulations, I’ll pray for our child,’” said a source close to the situation.
According to the New York Post, he didn’t get home to meet his son until at least Friday evening. Born prematurely at less than 6 pounds, their son was reportedly admitted to the ICU on Thursday. Hmmm what was the Mooch doing on Thursday? Calling CNN to talk about killing leakers and how much he loves the president (the premise being his penis-filled rant to the New Yorker, which took place on Wednesday).
But maybe it doesn’t matter what we think, since, for Trump staff, missing major family milestones to serve the Trump family is considered a thoughtful gesture. Donald Trump Jr. applauded it on Twitter in 2012:
“At dinner w our greenskeeper who missed his sister’s wedding 2 work (luv loyalty 2 us) “No big deal hopefully she’ll have another someday”;)”
Trump since deleted that tweet after it resurfaced and circulated in the press. For a moment he appears to have realized that people find a problem with this.
And unless he comes up with a worse way to call all of his colleagues a cock, that’s all on this guy for today. You have been Mooched.