Andrew Cuomo and Bill de Blasio Just Need to Punch Each Other and Get It Over With

Illustration for article titled Andrew Cuomo and Bill de Blasio Just Need to Punch Each Other and Get It Over With
Image: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

There’s something rotten in the state of New York and not it’s not the Hudson River. It’s the petrifying beef between the state’s Governor Andrew Cuomo and New York City Mayor Bill NYPD Puppet De Blasio. This beef’s been on the grill since De Blasio entered office, but shit’s been burning to a crisp since New York started tackling rising coronavirus infections in March. The argument between the two is a simple one: ‘Who has the biggest rona-dick?’ And by that I mean who has done the most to save New Yorkers from death and disease and therefore gets to be the top New York guy—or, to put it in extremely New York terms, which one is the Jeter and which one is the A-Rod.


Since New York became the center of the virus in the US, the mayor and governor have disagreed on nearly every single preventative measure, whether it’s de Blasio closing schools in New York City and while Cuomo leaves them open everywhere else or de Blasio closing down bars, but only after 10 pm—because, as everyone knows bad, things only happen at night.

But their latest beef is truly a brain breaker. De Blasio and Cuomo are now debating just exactly how sick New Yorkers are and as a result of two men abiding by two different percentages, restrictions make no sense anymore. According to the New York Times, Mayor De Blasio claims New York City has breached the 3% threshold for positive covid testing, a number that should trigger a return to strict lockdowns meaning no school, no gym, no non-essential stores, no restaurants, nothing. On the other hand, Governor Cuomo says the rate is below 3%, which would leave schools outside of New York City open for hybrid learning as well as all the other hotbeds of infection.

The difference in fact comes from the two men, who visibly hate each other, getting differing information. The Times reports:

The discrepancy can be striking: On Sunday, for instance, the city said its seven-day average was 3.09 percent. Mr. Cuomo’s office, however, put the city’s rate at more than half a point lower, at 2.54 percent.

In one way, of course, not all numbers are equal, as Mr. Cuomo’s statistics from the state Department of Health govern a wider array of activities and businesses in regions all across New York. But Mr. Cuomo granted local school districts the right to set their own parameters for school shutdowns, and Mr. de Blasio, who controls the school system, set 3 percent as that level.

Instead of compiling results and coming to some sort of halfway point together, as adults often do in times of great need, Cuomo has chosen to criticize de Blasio, calling his method for calculating the positivity rate “confusing” and “irrelevant.” Cuomo took things even further during a Monday morning press conference where announced no new measures to prevent a rise in infection, during what he described as the “high socialization season,” but instead incoherently lectured New Yorkers on rates in different counties and announced that his daughtah, Mariah, will be staying in Chicago for Thanksgiving. New Yorkers should all be like Mariah and put several hundred miles between ourselves and the governor.

Meanwhile, as those two meatheads debate who has the best way of measuring, over 33,000 people have died from the virus in New York alone, most of those deaths coming from New York City.


It’s clear that the only way to get these two men into alignment with each other for the greater good is to put them in the same room and let them have a sit-down, Mob Wives season finale style. If there must be violence, then let there be violence as long as it allows them to realize that neither is a Jeter or an A-Rod. They’re both James Dolan. And if you don’t know who that is, I am revoking your New York card.



OMG we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and these two are arguing over who is the prettier one. JFC!