Anatomy Of A Bachelorette Finale

Another season of The Bachelorette has come and gone. Exhale. But last night’s heartbreaking/heartwarming extravaganza nailed all the necessary points in the franchise’s finale routine.

Obvious spoilers ahead.

The Bitchy Sister

In Bachelorette-land, it ain’t over ’til every involved party goes through the painful process of meeting the families. Ashley’s entire family was flown into Fiji to meet Ben and JP, at which point we were introduced to Ashley’s awesomely blunt sister Chrystie. Sisterly fight ensues, tears are shed, deep thoughts are had.

The Choosing Of Engagement Rings

Also known as The Potential Mate Cuticle Inspection, Ben and JP spent awhile thinking aloud for the cameras, mulling whether or not they actually felt like proposing to Ashley — and they both decided that they did. So they (separately) went down to the conveniently-located jeweler to pick rings for Ashley. Both of the rings were uber-sparkly and similar enough to make us wonder if Ashley had pre-selected the rings from which the guys could choose. Actually, no, we’re not wondering. Of course she did.

The First Proposal
Warning: If you have any ounce of compassion in your heart, this clip of Ben’s heart being torn apart will hard to watch. As he made his way down Marriage Promenade, Ashley greeted him with a hug (bad sign). She looked visibly upset, and when Ashley began to speak, Ben cut her off and began proclaiming his love for her, eventually getting down on one knee. And Ashley just let him carry on like this until he brought out the ring and said the words “Will you marry me?” Yeah, nope. Ben walks away as Ashley chases after him spouting a bunch of crap that he didn’t want to hear.

The Second Proposal

With Ben gone, Ashley was ready and waiting for her proposal from JP. He got down on one knee, and blah blah blah, it was cute. (Still feeling badly for Ben’s embarrassing dismissal.) But hold on a moment: are they really playing REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” to finish the show?

The Post-Finale Rose Special

Now that we know how the show ended, it was time to catch up with Chris Harrison and the lovebirds. JP says he had to “live a double life for months” to protect the show’s ending, and he’s “so, so in love with this girl.” Aww. He says it was tough to watch Ashley be so hurt by tabloid headlines, but they they got through it. Obviously. There are contracts — and love! — on the line here.

Even after the finale’s aftershow, the pair continued to dominate ABC’s Monday night programming by appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The revealed a bit of interesting info aout the rules of dating after filming is over: they lived in seperate cities and are allowed a chaperoned date every two weeks. What?! JP says they “lived on Skype,” and his daily routine now consists of “Gym, home, three hours of Skype, sleep.” And masturbating, we suspect.

The Morning After

Did you think for a second that Good Morning America wouldn’t book these two for an interview this morning? Robin Roberts does her journalistic duty by prodding JP on what it felt like to see Ashley hook up with other guys. It did not feel awesome. And now, for their epilogue, the pair are moving to New York City as soon as Ashley finishes dental school. We’ll keep you posted on their inevitable breakup.