Dear Denim Vest,
You’re spunky, I’ll give you that. And look at you makin’ your way downtown to the Senate Floor. I can confidently say I never thought I’d see you there, except at the Capitol riot on January 6. Just one question: did your sleeves run away with the rest of Biden’s bill?
You look like you could be worn by an early American Idol contestant, a tailgater, a barback at a really jaunty dive bar, or a clothing hanger that never gets touched at L-Train Vintage. But, no, there you are on the back of the sphinx senator herself. Needless to say, you look like an item that would be worn by someone who has no idea what they want. Unfortunately, your fabric holds more integrity than your wearer, and it seems your structure is stronger than America’s democracy.
You know what would be even more stylish? Definitively supporting clean energy, homecare for the elderly and disabled, free community college, lower prescription drug costs, and higher taxes on corporations and billionaires. Maybe throw in a higher minimum wage and some dental and vision care in there as well, though your lack of sleeves make me think you’re not the biggest fan of full coverage, just like your wearer.
You’ve caused quite a stir on Twitter. People are reminiscing about their old American Apparel vests and Kevin McDonald’s appearance in a similar model on Seinfeld. You’ve even reinvigorated the old feminist debate about whether it’s ever OK to police womens’ outfits—even women who seem intent to destroy our republic. In all honesty, I admire you for causing such a firestorm when you’ve been preceded by a faux-fur “LOVE” bomber jacket, a red Neoprene zippered-sheath, and many easter-candy colored wigs. Somehow, despite all that came before you, you took it to the next level.
Tell me a little bit about your patch. Is that a heart? A flower? Are those vines?
That’s nice. Something else that’s nice is unity and robust and bold policy that helps people.
Anyway, I hope you don’t take the criticism too hard. After all, it’s not you that’s the real problem here.