An Open Letter To Heidi Montag From Quinn Morgendorffer

Upon hearing about the separation of reality stars Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, Quinn Morgendorffer of Lawndale, U.S.A., wrote in to share her thoughts on the matter.

Dear Heidi-

Like, I know you’re probably all busy moving all of your adorable stuff out of your big mansion and into another big mansion or whatever but I just thought I’d write to you and like, tell you something very, super important about your future and stuff. I’m pretty good at helping people fix their lives or whatever, mostly people who like, don’t even have lives to begin with, so like, the fact that you do have a life and are kind of cute and popular will make it even easier for me to help you become even more cute and even more popular, which, as we both know, is what life is like, all about.

Just because you’re cute and popular, it does NOT mean you’re stupid. And I know that like, people make fun of you and stuff for the things you’ve done to your face and your body but if you’re happy and you feel good then like, whatever, you know? But, I mean, honestly? There is kind of a line between surgical enhancements and that woman who looks like a cat and is like famous for being a cat or whatever because I mean, just because everybody LIKES cats it doesn’t make it okay to turn INTO a cat, unless that’s the look you’re going for, and then, I mean, own it, or whatever, because your face is your face and I mean, if you want to change your face then change your face, you know? But like, remember that you can’t change it back, or whatever.

Anyway I don’t even care about your face or whatever, and I think your clothes are super cute (though I mean you do wear a lot of pink and maybe you should branch out because I wore pink for like 7 years and oh my GAWD I am so mortified in even thinking about it like switch it UP, you know?!). I’m mostly concerned with that dude you’ve been spending your time with, or marrying, or whatever, because that dude is like, totally crazy. And his style is SO tragic and depressing. It’s one thing to date a rock star—it’s quite another to date a dude who looks like he got stuck at a Jimmy Buffett concert in like, 1993. Ugh!

And no offense, or anything, but like, being smart about important stuff like not hanging out with losers is kind of important if you want to be cute and popular and whatever. Or like, happy, even? Because I mean, that dude has crazy eyes. And like, he carries around crystals to bars which is SO embarrassing. But um, most importantly, it seems like you can’t do anything or go anywhere without this dude’s permission and that is like, so gross and sad and like, really depressing and it’s hard to be popular when you have some crazy dude like, keeping you in his crystal den like some loser in Loserville, because I mean, you may be kind of tacky and obnoxious at times but like, you’re still a person! And you deserve to make your own decisions and not have to check your every move with some dude who looks like he should be in the “Ugh, I’m Sorry No” section of the yearbook.

What I’m like trying to say is that I hope you like, take some time to concentrate on like, being happy on the inside, because being happy on the inside, and avoiding popularity-killers like that crystal guy, is like the best way to be happy on the outside, right? It’s hard to be cute and popular and happy when you have to deal with some jerk who tries to keep you from being all three. So like, if you’re really broken up, stay broken up. And if you need any help picking out outfits for divorce court or whatever, you can always call the Fashion Club. But don’t call Sandi, because she’s like totally jealous of you and will tell you to wear like, sweatpants or something. Eww!