Last December, Paper featured Kim Kardashian and her butt in their now infamous Break the Internet issue. This time, the magazine decided to go a different route, choosing four different subjects to grace their Fandemonium edition, including Neville Jacobs, Marc Jacob’s dog, and ironically, Paris Hilton, the former reality star, current globetrotting DJ and Kardashian’s ex-friend and former boss. But the real magic of this issue lies inside the pages, where John Stamos’s bare ass awaits.
As Stamos’s number one fan, I knew it was my responsibility to give a fair and unbiased review of his literal man buns. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put on my monocle to closely inspect those Grecian buttocks. Before I delve deep into my analysis, though, I must begin with a short tale depicting the origins of my obsession.
Like many children of the ‘80s, I first caught sight of Stamos as Blackie Parrish on General Hospital (I watched many soaps in my youth) and of course, in his career-defining role as Uncle Jesse in Full House. While appreciating his leather vests, carefully-styled mullet and seductive performance of the Beach Boys song “Forever,” at the time my more ardent crushes had been reserved for the likes of Eddie Furlong and Jonathan Brandis.
It wasn’t until many years later, during an episode of MTV’s House of Style, that the flames of my desire for Stamos would finally become fanned. In the episode, Dave Navarro explains to Rebecca Romjin (Stamos’s now-ex-wife) how he worships Stamos’s good hair. He shows off a framed photo of Stamos he keeps surrounded by candles and a feather boa. At some point, the feather boa catches on fire. Something about that moment sparked something deep inside my heart, and, my loins. And the rest, as they say, is history.
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