Amy Schumer: 'I'm 160 Pounds, and I Can Catch a Dick Whenever I Want'

“I’m probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want, like, that’s the truth. It’s not a problem!” she began, launching into a very good childhood anecdote:

“I didn’t lose my two front teeth until I was in 5th grade, which is late. And that very same week, I got my period. Which is early. So I was just this jack-o-lantern with tits walking around, and I had one of those moms that was like, ‘You don’t need to shave above your knees.’”

Schumer loves to make fun of women’s magazines, and it’s always interesting to watch those very publications heap awards and spreads and fawning columns on her. Schumer nodded to this in her speech: “I make fun of women’s magazines a lot, because they’re great fodder, and some of them make you feel bad just for being born with a pussy.” However, she said:

Every comic in the room knows that when a female comic has a photo shoot, they’re like, “Oh, can we hold this plastic dick over your head? We’re gonna shoot actual cum out of it onto your head.” They’re like, “You’re gonna be a cum dumpster,” and you’re like, “Thank you for having me!” But Glamour is the first magazine that was just like, “Smile!”