Amy Schumer: 'I'm 160 Pounds, and I Can Catch a Dick Whenever I Want'

Amy Schumer accepted the Trailblazer Award at Glamour UK’s Women of the Year Awards earlier this week, and gave a totally disjointed, expletive-filled, weirdly inspirational speech, with the added bonus of Absolutely Fabulous’ Jennifer Saunders guffawing behind her the whole time.


“I’m probably like 160 pounds right now and I can catch a dick whenever I want, like, that’s the truth. It’s not a problem!” she began, launching into a very good childhood anecdote:

“I didn’t lose my two front teeth until I was in 5th grade, which is late. And that very same week, I got my period. Which is early. So I was just this jack-o-lantern with tits walking around, and I had one of those moms that was like, ‘You don’t need to shave above your knees.’”

Schumer loves to make fun of women’s magazines, and it’s always interesting to watch those very publications heap awards and spreads and fawning columns on her. Schumer nodded to this in her speech: “I make fun of women’s magazines a lot, because they’re great fodder, and some of them make you feel bad just for being born with a pussy.” However, she said:

Every comic in the room knows that when a female comic has a photo shoot, they’re like, “Oh, can we hold this plastic dick over your head? We’re gonna shoot actual cum out of it onto your head.” They’re like, “You’re gonna be a cum dumpster,” and you’re like, “Thank you for having me!” But Glamour is the first magazine that was just like, “Smile!”

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I’m actually so happy she gave a specific number for how much she weights. I know the number isn’t supposed to matter, and two people who weigh the same thing can look very different, but I feel like I’m constantly hearing about women who weigh 135 and want to lose 5 or 10 more lbs and it makes me sick. I just saw Amy live, and she looked HOT (and was obviously so hilarious). I weigh 160 as well, and feel like I look damn good in 90% of what I wear - the other 10% are horribly misguided fashion choices. It feels good to have someone who gets so much attention say hey, you know what, you can be 160 (or whatever number is higher than what is socially acceptable) and look hot and feel good about yourself. Too many women chase low numbers and lose sight of the bigger picture.