Amherst Helpfully Reminds Students To Protect Selves From Rapey Alumni

Let’s all take a moment to thank various powerful messaging entities — online advice columnists whose names rhyme with Femily Foffe, evil-looking Fox News “legal experts” — for picking up the “stop getting raped” mantle and really running for the end zone with it and then spiking a football in rape victims’ faces over the past week. Now, chiming in on the one-sided and unhelpful “don’t get raped” conversation is the administration at Amhearst College, which recently sent an email to students helpfully reminding them that they should do their best to not get raped by drunk, horny, cynical alumni who may be on campus for homecoming week.

Over at Newsweek, Jezebel alumna Katie JM Baker got her mitts on a copy of the memo, which was sent to RA’s along with instructions to share with students tips on how best to take care of themselves during homecoming week. As Baker notes, much of it was pretty run-of-the-mill, basic personal safety stuff which, again, is a useful thing about which to educate college students. But here’s where the memo goes awry,

Keep an eye out for unwanted sexual advances. A lot of alums come back for Homecoming pretty jaded with the bar scene and blind dating of the real world and are eager to take advantage of what they now perceive to be an ‘easy’ hook-up scene back at Amherst. Also, many alums tend to be pretty drunk all weekend long. Alert your residents to this unfortunate combination and keep an eye on your friends, your residents, and yourself.

Don’t get raped, guys. This weekend, the campus will be positively teeming with Future Yous. And You in the Future is a rapey, drunk, jaded, grabbyhands. Also, drunken grabbyhands are only reduced to rapiness because they’re frustrated with the dating scene. You know, a normal human response to frustration. Traffic jam? Rape! Saturday in Ikea? Rape!

But Amherst, which last year gained national notoriety for treating a rape victim like shit, didn’t quit there. When Baker contacted them, the college’s spokesperson gave the following bizarre statement, implying that the email wasn’t supposed to go out to the students. And then, this:

[It] certainly wasn’t intended to cause offense, but to ensure a safe and festive Homecoming weekend for students and alumni alike. With the exception of Amherst losing the football game, that’s exactly how the weekend turned out to be!

Losing a football game is bad enough, but losing a football game and rape? Ugh, what a downer! There’s always next year, guys.