'Am I Awake? Where Am I?' What the Fuck Is Happening in Kendall Jenner's New Video for Vogue?

One guaranteed way to make us normals roll our eyes a whole lot is to make us watch a piece of art about the existential crises of the rich and famous. You know, lazy music videos from pop stars, New York Times bestsellers with pretty covers, and Sofia Coppola movies in which the protagonists wallow through their unsatisfying personal lives and demanding—if shallow—careers, while listening to good music.

The latest entry in this delicious, frustrating genre is a “Vogue video” starring Kendall Jenner and released exclusively on her Instagram account. Titled “I, Kendall,” it’s either a satirical look at the absurdity of Jenner’s life or an earnest document of her daily trauma, which includes fretting over the holes in Cheerios, yearning to know the history of modeling, and wishing she could only show the world the right side of her face. Whatever the intent, it’s dull, entry-level stuff.

While watching this you get the feeling that no one involved—from the director to the writer to Jenner herself—has ever been told “no.” A harmless Instagram video, sure, but a nightmare nonetheless.

Here is the full transcript (all dialogue spoken by Jenner):

“I wonder how many hairs are in one eyebrow. One, two, three, four, five, six.

This color scheme is cool. Is it mint or pistachio? It’s probably sea foam.

I haven’t slept at home in 17 days. Did I leave the gas on? Am I awake? Where am I? I don’t even know who I am anymore.

What happens to the holes in Cheerios? Do they just get thrown away? What a waste.

Who invented modeling? Does anyone even know who the first model was?

This side of my face is good. I wish I could face the world only from the right.

Will they even recognize me? Is this Vogue?

Notice how most of the answers to these questions are merely a Google away. Does anyone in Jenner’s life know about Wikipedia?

[Instagram]

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And here’s Kirstie Alley with the tweet of the century.

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• Tomi Lahren may have SAID that she kicked her dog but she did not ACTUALLY kick her dog. [TMZ]
• Eva Longoria is happier than she’s ever been. She’s also pregnant! Get it?!?! [E! Online]
• This is absolutely how I talk about relationships and there is not a single strange thing about Joe Alwyn and Taylor Swift. [Celebitchy]
• Don’t forget that Cardi B is probably pregnant right now! [TMZ]
• SHARON STONE’S HOUSE. [Architectural Digest]