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Awards season is officially kicking off this evening with the “fun” one, a.k.a. the one that serves booze—the Golden Globes, in which the Hollywood Foreign Press Association allows Ricky Gervais to roast film and television’s elite and hopefully not make anymore transphobic “jokes” (sure, Ricky). It’s also the beginning of the procession of fancy gowns and the everlasting prayer that someone will wear something lightly out of the ordinary and/or take a risk! Fingers crossed, as Jezebel’s annual constantly updating, real-time Globes red carpet live blog commences, armed with only a dream and a prayer.

The hosts are always the first to arrive, and seemed to get the sequins memo across networks: Jeannie Mai in warrior pearls, Sibley Scoles in jammy pinstripes...

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...Zuri Hall in liquid bronze and Giuliana in.... a pretty serious spray-tan... gurl...

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Noted author Kristin Cavallari takes her baby-pink in structural draping, but Karen Pittman and Sofia Carson, in Giambattista Valli, are textured, princess-esque cake toppers.

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Morning Show star Desean K. Terry has a master tailor for that tux, and Nina Parker is going for the gold. Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, the couple most likely to get double-awards this season, match in cool-kid hues but they both look kind of bummed out. Dude, I saw Marriage Story and I’m now convinced everyone needs a couples’ therapist (even if you’re single or poly).

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Queer Eye positivity merchant Karamo Brown seems to be wearing satin pajamas advertising weed? I respect it. Joe Alwyn is there, for some reason other than being the presumed subject of Taylor Swift’s “Lover.” Is he in a movie? 1917? Little Women? What in the FUCK is Joe Alwyn IN? Hot Priest Andrew Scott is looking great and hot and priestly in papal white. One thing I do know? Is that Andrew Scott DEFINITELY WAS in 1917.

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Bel Powley strikes a truly impressive balance between Victorian cleave and prairie gown in cornflower blue; Julia Butters really is serving tiny princess in swathes of tulle and floral appliqué. Djibril Zonga and Ladj Ly, actor and director of Les Misérables (not THAT one) are lovely in the requisite tuxedos!

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Always love a bold color-wheel statement. Janinda Gavankar floofed-out her spider-web train with a royal blue statement sleeve; Zhao Shuzhen is giving us a draped tunic moment that is both lovely and sensible for an event that serves a full freaking dinner; Zoey Deutch’s butter yellow is beautifully cut and draped and I want it.

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Parasite’s Lee Jeong-eun, Cho Yeo-jeong, and Song Kang-ho are fitted for their moment (and near-certain win, right?), especially Cho’s delicate sherbet tulle.

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Okay, people! This is exciting me! Barry Jenkins got a little graphic with his grey tux, and Joshuah Brian Campbell’s double-breasted CHARTREUSE tux with MOCK TURTLENECK is the best tux I’ve seen on the carpet in years. The Farewell’s Lulu Wang went with a super-smart combination bustier/necktie pantsuit.

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Gillian Anderson... Joey King... Greg the Egg... Profiles in courage.

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Sequin time! I’m happy everyone’s feeling so shiny! Ana de Armas’s navy gown is everything to me right now, and Cynthia Erivo’s gown is hitting the midpoint between tux and formal party jawn. Carol Burnett’s ombré jacket is distracting you from the fact that she’s REALLY dressed like an experimental filmmaker ca. 1968. Get it, Carol!

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What is going on here you guys. Anna Paquin seems like she is getting even for the terrible role she was given in the final season of The Affair... Dakota Fanning is drowning in this 1982 prom dress... Kirsten Dunst is wearing Rodarte like ever, but she can do better. Watch On Becoming a God in Central Florida, it’s the best she’s ever acted.

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I blame Francine Pascal for putting the absolutely incorrect ancient conventional wisdom that redheads should wear neither red nor pink. Francine Pascal, I present to you Jane Levy, looking excellent as hell in BOTH! SUCK IT, SWEET VALLEY! Lauren Graham and Naomi Watts’s gowns aren’t quite fitting right, nor doing anything for me or them, unfortunately.

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RARE BIRD BILLY PORTER NEVER DISAPPOINTS!

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Ygritte and Jon are still together, damn! Portia de Rossi’s suite is great though Ellen’s diamond jawn is a bit of a yawn. Wesley Snipes is giving us ‘70s wedding realness and he looks freaking great. I hope this shit was just lamping in the back of his closet and he pulled it out and had it pressed, voilá.

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Gugu Mbatha-Raw came THROUGH in chartreuse, the surprise color of the night. Margot Robbie took it casual in brocade with pockets, Tiffany Haddish did a Grecian drape.

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Various takes on black sparkles and daintiness courtesy Christina Appelgate, Margaret Qualley, and Winnie Harlow. I don’t know if we need to do basic black on the carpet in 2020 anymore, but I am undecided. I’ll get back to you by Oscars time.

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Beanie Fieldstein’s navy velvet is lovely, and Olivia Coleman’s sleeves are appropriately regal, but I’m absolutely SCREAMING at Phoebe Waller-Bridge cosplaying as a disaffected 14-year-old new waver who’s rebelling in the time of The Troubles! MORE OF THIS!

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David Hinkle, with Elton John, knows how to choose a fun smoking jacket; Sofia Vergara’s dress is fine but she really needs to check her mans’s beard, maybe? Like, is he okay/depressed. Jennifer Aniston, though—She’s fine!

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I LOVE ALL OF THIS! Helen Mirren’s gown says to me, it’s DAME Helen Mirren to you, buddy! Jodie Comer’s exaggerated tent gown and melange of bright colors is exactly what I’m always looking for on a freaking boring carpet, and Zöe Kravitz’s graphic dots is arty and carpet-y but still expressing some real personal style here. These are fashion choices of my own heart.

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Lucy Boynton has extremely London fashion sense, which is to say it’s iconoclastic, very cool, and disinterested in bullshit decorum. I love this quicksilver gown! Amy Poehler’s evergreen sparkle is nice, and Rooney Mara is giving us some 18th century Dutch hair shit to consider. Rami Malek wears the best suits in Hollywood, but for once it’s not Dior Homme—it’s Anthony Vaccarello.

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Okay, I’m sort of back in the “It’s fine to wear black on the red carpet” camp, it just cannot be boring. FIRST of all, Kerry Washington is wearing just like, swathes of fabric and presumably six yards of garment tape, and is easily one of the best dressed of this whole dang night. This look is a STUNT of Guinness proportions. Natasha Lyonne’s embellishment is a bit like an axe, which fits. Rachel Weisz’s column gown is nice but I won’t be calling home about it.

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There are many ways to do maximalism. You could go with crystals and wild pleating, like Cate Blanchett. You could go with a lovely fuschia and bow effect, like Ca’Vine Joy Randolph. Or you could do... whatever the fuck Jennifer Lopez is doing right now? For someone who has very few misses (because she usually sticks to what works), I cannot believe that she has missed this hard. This gown is like when you’re wrapping a Christmas gift for a shitty family member and you want to spite them by overdoing it. Is this a message to the Hollywood ESTABLISHMENT? I really hope so because I cannot fathom the alternative.

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Blue and fuschia are emerging as a trend—Glenn Close’s velvet is lovely, and I have to hand it to Shailene “Where you been” Woodley for getting arty with it. Isla Fisher’s easy, sweet crepe is a flip to Joanne Tucker’s satin number. I wonder if she’s seen Marriage Story.

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These are all... choices! (Leo’s is just “being Leo.”)

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Brad Pitt—he’s fine! Idina Menzel’s cape gown is good, but she should have worn the bat mitzvah dress from Uncut Gems. Priyanka Chopra is going carpet-casj, as is Salma Hayek. Sometimes you just don’t really gotta floss that hard, if you’re just there for like... the champers.

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Scarlett really, really wants to win this shit.

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Laura Dern’s so boho and cool, always. Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger are wearing the quintessential “I have been in this business forever” column gown. There’s Tom and Rita, the nicest people in Hollywood.

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Here are some people who are married or apparently about to be married! Michelle Williams, with apparent fiance and father of baby Thomas “the Hamilton guy” Kail, went for gathered creamsicle; Lisa Bonet is advertising the sustainability of wheat with hesher hubby Jason Momoa; Kieran Culkin and Jazz Charton, if you’re reading this, I would like to invite you over for dinner because you seem like a fun couple of fucking weirdos. HMU julianne@jezebel.com.

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Here is Taylor Swift in psychedelic poppy, with someone who appears to be her publicist Tree Paine flipping her gown like the maid of honor. A train needs a straightener, y’all!

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I will leave you with Olivia Coleman’s hand: 50:50, everyone!

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