Turns out, while People is really good at dentist office waiting room reading material, when it comes to selecting the Sexiest Human Male Specimen Currently Living, they're pretty hit or miss.
So, for your benefit (and 75% to troll Kate Dries, who has the desk next to me and who will hate every single choice I made), I have ranked all of People magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, partially based on my actual taste and partially based on forgetting until the very end that JFK, Jr. won in 1988.
| Rank | Name | Pro | Con |
| 29 | Nick Nolte (1992) | ??? | Publicly admits to drinking own pee |
| 28 | Mel Gibson (1985) | Was kinda hot in Mad Max (1 and 2) | Raving anti-Semite who cheated on the mother of his children |
| 27 | Adam Levine (2013) | Supportive coach on The Voice | Looks how Axe Body Spray smells. |
| 26 | Tom Cruise (1990) | Used to be cool | Is now crazy |
| 25 | Mark Harmon (1986) | I'd still hit it. | Now known as "that dude from that cop show old people like." |
| 24 | Ryan Reynolds (2010) | Symmetrical | Like masturbating to the color beige |
| 23 | Harry Hamlin (1987) | Fun fact to note while watching Mad Men | Is now married to the thirstiest Real Housewife. |
| 22 | Harrison Ford (1998) | Was really hot in 1978 | Now, very cranky |
| 21 | Jude Law (2004) | Symmetrical | Boffed the nanny |
| 20 | Matthew McConaughey (2005) | Rust Cohle | This was Pre-McConassaince. What was People thinking. |
| 19 | Matt Damon (2007) | Cool guy | Kind of seem embarrassed to have won it. Yes I read the article. |
| 18 | Bradley Cooper (2011) | Great actor | Surely there were sexier men alive in 2011. |
| 17 | Sean Connery (1989) | The handsomest Bond. | Hits women. |
| 16 | Hugh Jackman (2008) | Affable... | ... in a college a cappella star sort of way. |
| 15 | George Clooney (2006) | Handsome guy | By '06, Clooney was at Peak Smarm. |
| 14 | Ben Affleck (2002) | In 2002, he was kind of a C-level prick, and I dig that. | Gradually became a stock photo of a dad. |
| 13 | Richard Gere (1999) | Great silver fox head of hair | Peak Gere happened way earlier in the 90's. |
| 12 | Johnny Depp (2009) | Bathes in the Fountain of Youth. | Dresses like he hasn't bathed in weeks. |
| 11 | Chris Hemsworth (2014) | Have you seen Thor? | Have you seen Idris Elba? |
| 10 | Channing Tatum (2012) | Magic Mike. | Name is actually a captcha. |
| 9 | Brad Pitt (2000) | Jawline | He had blonde highlights in the year 2000 :( :( :( :( :( |
| 8 | Pierce Brosnan (2001) | Accent | Always imagined him to be afraid of bugs. Like, really afraid of bugs. |
| 7 | Johnny Depp (2003) | Before Depp set off to make himself unrecognizable in every movie role, he was pretty handsome. | Now he is literally a Tim Burton figurine. 2003 Johnny Depp is a bittersweet memory. |
| 6 | Richard Gere (1993) | PEAK GERE ALERT PEAK GERE ALERT | Only able to make one facial expression at this point in his career. |
| 5 | George Clooney (1997) | PEAK CLOONEY ALERT PEEK CLOONEY ALERT | Broke so many hearts. |
| 4 | Denzel Washington (1996) | Ageless, classy as hell | Not a Denzel con, but a People con. How has there only been one non-white Sexiest Man Alive? |
| 3 | Brad Pitt (1995) | 1995 Brad Pitt is sex. | The goatee. |
| 2 | Patrick Swayze (1991) | Great dude, by all accounts. | No longer alive. :( |
| 1 | John F. Kennedy, Jr. (1988) | Handsome. | No longer alive. :( |
And! your bonus reference and enjoyment, here are all of People's Sexiest Man Alive! covers, gif'd. Count the regrettable and dated haircuts.
Until next year...
Gif by Sam Woolley/People