All Nightstands Are Sexless and Impractical

All Nightstands Are Sexless and Impractical

For years I've wondered: Why is the most basic table the most difficult to shop for?

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Photo: AnnaStills (iStock by Getty Images)

In the summer of 2019, my roommate and I moved into a new apartment because our old one was infested with bedbugs, but not before throwing out a bed frame my dad built for me and a small nightstand that had been in my family since the 1960s.

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At the time I was more upset about the bed frame, being that it held much more sentimental value. The nightstand, aside from the graffiti <3 EDGAR <3 my sister had carved into it (no clue who that is…), was charmingly ordinary: slender, wooden, painted white, with a small drawer on the bottom, an open drawer space on the top, and a blue glass knob. It wasn’t until I started searching for a new nightstand that I really appreciated how rare a nice nightstand is.

That search was almost as traumatizing as eight months of bed bugs. It turns out that while most furniture design has advanced properly into the 21st century, nightstands have propelled themselves into an alternate dimension where time, space, and most importantly taste seem to not exist. The majority of nightstands made now manage to be both gaudy and sexless. That duality creates a demonic tension, which, in my opinion, is not the energy you want in your bedroom.

With that in mind, here are the options generally bestowed upon you when you’re looking for a nightstand for less than, oh, $500.

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Crate-Stand

Crate-Stand

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Photo: Photographee.eu (Shutterstock)

Let’s start with what most people have beside their bed at the beginning of their nightstand journey: a milk crate of some kind turned on its side. This is chic, but it is not a nightstand. A good nightstand has some enclosed parts to it so you can keep your secret bedroom stuff in there, like sex toys and deodorizing foot cream.

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Verdict: Disqualified

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Hover-Stand

Hover-Stand

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Photo: Anne Richard (Shutterstock)

This is an elevated version of a milk crate (literally) and requires that you know how to install wall anchors. It presents the same problem as the milk crate: no private space. Something about its design is suggestive of a hostel—easy to clean underneath with a corded vacuum, refusing permanence, weird.

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Verdict: Not grounded

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X-Ray-Stand

X-Ray-Stand

Image for article titled All Nightstands Are Sexless and Impractical
Screenshot: Wayfair (Fair Use)

This nightstand can whiten your teeth, tan your skin, or store your sanitized manicure utensils. What it doesn’t do is lull you to sleep. Nightstands that light up from within, of which I saw a lot of, are extending beyond their domain. Nightstands shouldn’t be high tech, and they shouldn’t even be low-tech. They should be no-tech.

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Verdict: Blinding

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Dorm-stand

Dorm-stand

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Screenshot: GTX Store (Fair Use)

This is a great option if you’re 19 years old, want to hang a poster of Reservoir Dogs on your wall, and plan to read Nietzsche for the first time.

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Verdict: Time travel port

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Trend-Stand

Trend-Stand

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Screenshot: West Elm (Fair Use)

When I was on the hunt for a nightstand, I came across lots of rattan-stands, which I actually sort of like. But that is because they were incredibly trendy at the time and the marketing powers that be conspired to make me think they were beautiful. Even browsing now, there are way fewer rattan-stands, proof that it was a fleeting style. I’m of the mind that nightstands should be timeless and unpretentious.

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Verdict: Too easy to date

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Hulk-stand

Hulk-stand

Image for article titled All Nightstands Are Sexless and Impractical
Photo: Wayfair (Fair Use)

A nightstand ought not outweigh your bed, both literally and visually. Some nightstands are so large they looked like coffins, which, after dealing with months of bed bugs, are tempting to buy. But a nightstand like the one pictured above is edging into dresser territory. If you can fit a folded-up pair of jeans in there, then as Liz Lemon says, that’s a deal breaker!

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Verdict: Back breaker

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Best Western-Stand

Best Western-Stand

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Screenshot: Overstock (Fair Use)

A subgenre of the Hulk-stand is what I call Best Western aesthetic. It has a visual heaviness to it. These nightstands bellow, “There is a Bible within me.” They are very ugly and sexless. I can smell their staleness.

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Verdict: Wrathful Old Testament

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Table-Stand

Table-Stand

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Photo: Gravity Images (Getty Images)

Perhaps the most infuriating suggestion of all during my “nightstand” search was having tables pop up in the results. There’s little to say other than we live in a society and a society has rules, of which tiny tables being labeled as nightstands is a violation.

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Verdict: Jail time

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Glam-Stand

Glam-Stand

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Screenshot: Overstock (Fair Use)

A lot of the regency and regency-adjacent nightstands seem like safes Elizabeth Taylor would keep her jewels in. They suffer the issue of looking burdensome up against a bed frame and like they have trapped something inside.

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Verdict: High toe-stubbing potential 

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Nap-stand

Nap-stand

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Screenshot: Overstock (Fair Use)

This style gets the moniker of nap-stand because it is so unserious. It’s so casual. You want me to sleep eight hours next to this thing? You might as well stick a toothpick in the ground and call it a day (a night?). While bulkiness is a far more common issue in nightstand design, occasionally you’ll get something like this, something so slight that you can only place a glass of water on it before it shrieks, “No more! My little bird bones might break!”

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Verdict: Grow up!

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MCM-Stand

MCM-Stand

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Screenshot: Overstock (Fair Use)

This is about as close to a nightstand that is both visually sleek and still practical as you’re going to get. We have the platonic combination of a drawer for your secret stuff and an open nook for showing off stuff. But this also runs the risk of trendiness and has high potential to look insane in four years.

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Verdict: As good as it gets

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