After Almost Two Years of Dilly-Dallying, Jennifer Garner Will File For Divorce From Ben Affleck

By Bobby Finger  |  February 17, 2017 | 2:45pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag

After nearly two years of reconciliation rumors, amicable hangs with their children, and Vanity Fair profiles, credit card spokesperson Jennifer Garner is “gearing up to file for divorce” from reluctant superhero Ben Affleck.

Affleck (who has a giant phoenix tattooed on his back) and Garner (who refuses to be the ashes) announced their split in June of 2015, and spent the following 20ish months acting pretty much the same as they always had, which is to say she was smiley and boring, while he was sad and sweaty.

I’m honestly relieved this is finally ending, if only because it will put an end to the rumors that the two will be getting back together “any day now.” They appear to be good at being parents. They also appear to be bad at being married. It happens, and I’m yawning.

[Us Weekly]

That Justin don’t like you, but he hates everyone
And he never likes to admit that he was wrong
And he’s been so caught up in his job, didn’t see what’s going on
And sources say, he’s “spending too much time with the boys.”
‘Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and butt yourself

Yeah that one really didn’t work as well as I wanted it to. Just read the story and leave me alone.

[Page Six]

Here, have some fanfic: