It was the salad baby-booming post-WWII days of this great country, when men were men and women were wives. Obedient wives. Obedient wives with sparkling dishware, spotless clothing that smelt of the ocean, perfectly organized spice racks, and tightly sealed leftovers. Obedient wives who put on their shiniest pair of fuck-me pumps and orgasmed whenever a new appliance arrived (but not in bed, unless it was a new bed with Tide®-fresh sheets).
(Detail from 1956 Monsanto ad featuring a Hoover vacuum that wasn't also a phone)
The Advertising Creative Revolution of the 1960s swept aside this obscene objectophilia. But it created another one, for men, involving cars (future post). There's always another one. Today it's gadgets, right moronic Apple fanboys?
To the appliance porn.
Let's start small and work our way up to the bigger, thicker appliances. How to please a lady...a lady in love? A hot little Proctor toaster. What is the right lady wearing? An apron? A frilly corset?
Details from two 1950s Toastmaster ads. Left, a Christmas ad featuring the happiest lady in the history of humanity. Right, a lady seductively jabbing herself in a personal arousal spot with her sharp nail (and probably drawing an inward breath).
Alright, to the washers & dryers. Get comfortable, we're going to be here awhile.
Two ads from 1953. Be-pumped left lady is rubbing herself against a vibrating Thor. Right lady is reluctant to leave the laundry room after the thrilling performance she just experienced.
Details from 1954 Bendix ad and 1958 Hotpoint ad featuring two satisfied ladies sporting their post-O faces. Right lady is—oh my. She had to sit on the running dryer for several minutes afterwards.
There were two ways to satisfy a "seven-year itch" in the 50s. The Marilyn way and the Maytag way. Both blew plenty of hot air up your skirt.
Two very different housewives in heels in love: L—If even one of her carefully selected towels came out less than perfect, control-freakDominatrix tortured her blue boy by repeatedly turning him on and off. R—Sweet Submissive gives her soft towel-making sex machines fresh flowers every day.
L—Have hot identical twins in fuck-me pumps ever stared at you like that?
R—"So long and thick and smooth. You can agitate my dirty panties anytime, Maytag."
OK, let's move on to sizzling steamy ovens.
Sure, Dad and Daughter are excited about the new range. But not nearly as hot and bothered as Wifey. She instantly feels an electric connection like she's never felt with her dorky husband.
Lady (again wearing fucking pumps) can't even stay in the kitchen with herTappan range and it's hot pieces of meat, all she can do is look on with sex face. R—LOVE BEAUTIFUL ME, LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL RANGE.
Refrigerators. What drew the 1950s woman to their cold, cold hearts? Well, the International Harvester (L) was "femineered!"—which was enough for ladies to sit on their cold kitchen floors, dresses splayed wide open, picking the color of their future lovers. Speaking of lovers, As commanded, second lady has fallen in love with her big inanimate pink object.
L—Heaven, I'm in Appliance Heaven...
(Promotional image via Frigidaire, 1956)
Apparently starting around 1954, housewives all across America got together, covertly, at regional all-night appliance sex cult gatherings in warehouses. (Think: Eyes Wide Shut). They'd don evening gowns and long white gloves and chant Latin while making the above secret "half box" sign (representing half of an appliance). Then, the orgies commenced.
This piece originally appeared on Copyranter. Republished with permission. Mark Copyranter was an NYC advertising copywriter for 20 years. Now, he's The Best Fucking Ad Critic In The World™. Follow him on Twitter: @copyranter.