Abercrombie Declares 'Unnatural' Hairstyles Like, Totally Unacceptable

Last week, Abercrombie announced to its army of cologne-encrusted employees a new crackdown in the company’s oft ridiculed appearance guidelines. Gone are the days of creative coiffage, of chunky highlights and ombres; now any and all haircuts and styles must appear “natural” or else you run the risk of getting punched right in the glistening pectorals. Or, you know, fired.

The latest round of Abercrombie employee guidebook ridiculousness (obtained by Buzzfeed), like most Abercrombie corporate communications, reads like it’s just a missed Xanax dosage away from going off the rails, unhinged sorority girl-style. Here’s an excerpt from the actual new How To Hair Your Hair The Abercrombie Way book.

All hairstyles for men and women should appear neat, clean, natural, kempt and classic. No associate is permitted to wear any extreme hair styles or hair color. Hair styles and hair color should reflect your natural beauty.

Here’s the way my brain read it: I swear to God, Aiden, if you show up to work with that motherfucking Ginger Spice dye job, I will gag your bitch face with an extra-small women’s Whisky Makes Me Frisky logo tank top and cunt punt you into Hot Topic with the other fucking goths. Capiche?

Not only is the nation’s leading soulless mall store for teen jerks insisting (incredibly ironically) that its employees be more natural n stuff with their hair, they’re also outlawing “unnatural” nail polish colors. More from the Buzzfeed scoop,

Fingernails should not extend more than 1/4 inch beyond the tip of the finger. Although a natural nail is preferred, if polish is worn, it should be clear or natural in color.

Savannah, fuck your fucking piss-yellow manicure right in its EMBARRASSING LEAKY asshole. What will the Delts think? Their colors are BEIGE. BEIGE AND ECRU.

But Abercrombie’s not stopping at just the hair and talons; they’re serious about making sure that their associates’ jewelry is sending the right message, too. No big, gaudy necklaces; no dangly earrings. Jewelry must be “simple” and “classic.”

THIS ISN’T A MOTHERFUCKING ERYKAH BADU VIDEO! IT’S ABERCROMBIE! WE ARE CLASSIC, SIMPLE BITCHES!

Now that Abercrombie has addressed the looming menace of chunky highlights, cool manicures, and trendy jewelry, I wonder what they’ll take on next. I, for one, hope Abercrombie plans on addressing the fact that every time I walk into one of their stores, I feel like I’m snooping around a date rapist’s walk-in closet.