A Thanksgiving Drinking Game To Save Your Sanity, Ruin Your Liver

Around the holidays, when obligation dictates party guest lists, it helps to have a mechanism in place to cope with the inevitable party where one person is way fucking more obnoxious than everyone else. How to deal?

In my limited life experience, I’ve found that the best way to respond to this person is with a passive aggressive drinking game at their expense. On one hand, you feel as though you’re actually responding to their fuckery, but on the other hand, the obnoxious person never has to know what you’re doing. And on the third hand, you get drunk enough that you can just focus sitting quietly and letting your pie do the tango with the wine in your stomach.

First, you need an ally who agrees with you about the obnoxiousness level of the person in question. You and your ally should commiserate extensively before the event in question. Agree on a set of behaviors from the obnoxious person that you find exceptionally grating yet predictable, then, set drinking-related response guidelines.

For example, drink a sip every time Uncle Steve says something mean about his ex wife. Take a big drink whenever Uncle Steve says something racist. And finish your drink if Uncle Steve uses a conservative radio nickname for Barack Obama. It helps to make eye contact with your ally before each infraction, just to nonverbally assure each other that yes, indeed, Uncle Steve is an asshole.

This game isn’t limited to people who are big embarrassing lushes like me; you can assign other behavior responses to the Uncle Steve of the party. Like, every time Uncle Steve wiggles his eyebrows, get up, stretch out, and sit back down. Every time Uncle Steve asks anyone about their single marital status, smile maniacally big and say “WHO WANTS PIE?!” The possibilities are nearly limitless.

This game means you can remove yourself from blame for your terrible Black Friday hangover. Damn you, Uncle Steve!