A Summer Playlist for the Rarely Completed Butt-Centric Workout Plan
Entertainment
Very Specific Playlists is a weekly feature in which Jezebel staffers make very specific Spotify playlists based on their weird proclivities.
Sitting all day, I’ve learned, is bad for your butt. I will not go into detail about my formerly A+ butt and exactly what indignities it has suffered over the past 1.5 years that I have blogged on the internet. Let us just say there have been some changes, most notably that the term “thut” now holds special meaning for me.
To be clear, I’m not implying that anyone should care about their butt’s aesthetic appeal. Butts don’t matter, and everyone dies. At least I have a butt and didn’t lose a chunk of it in some kind of hot tub bacteria accident. But ever since my body started slowly melting into the swivel chair in which I spend 80-95% of my workweek, I have become obsessed with butts—mine specifically, but also, everyone’s. Now that summer has arrived, there is no escape.
In situations where my butt might be visible, beach or otherwise, I’ve found myself doing a tricksy sort of lean-bend to approximate its younger, happier shape. At home alone, I would peer at my butt sadly in the mirror, and then go sit back down. Whenever I spot a teen walking down the street in those tiny diaper shorts, I want to scream, or at least cross the street.
Recently, I went to Electric Daisy Carnival with some coworkers and found myself angrily chronicling all the butts I saw (to be fair, I was doing a fashion diary and no one was wearing pants).
At a certain point, I realized I was becoming one of those terrible people who complains endlessly about an extremely minor and fixable issue and looks at themselves in the mirror too much. My roommate was becoming annoyed by how often I would mention my butt; my coworkers, too, were beginning to notice my horrible new passion. Eventually, my exercise-savvy coworker Kara Brown took pity and wrote me a gym regimen, which I am kind of following, give or take a three-week period when I never went to the gym and a handful of days when I did the StairMaster for 10 minutes and then left.
Here are the songs I listen to while I try to make my butt better, accompanied by some of Kara’s tips. It should be noted that I very rarely complete this entire workout (it’s half-assed, so to speak), and I absolutely do not do it 5-7 days per week as recommended.
Warm-Up
“Paris (Aeroplane Remix)” by Friendly Fires
This languid, perfect remix is nice for the warm-up portion of my workout (a few minutes on the elliptical, or walking on the treadmill at a steep incline). To be honest, I often skip this part. I should also note that my workout efforts take place at a gym down the block from my apartment, because I’m bad at running, swimming, biking and other outdoor activities.
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