A Modest Proposal: Let's Rename Independence Day Literally Anything Else

I have bad news. Tomorrow, the United States of America will celebrate the Fourth of July. We were told, growing up, that the burnt hot dogs, sweaty macaroni salads, and underripe watermelons were patriotic. It had to do with independence! Or something about the troops. Maybe it was the founding fathers? Fireworks! Personally, I associate the holiday with my father yelling at me to take my hat off in the sweltering heat, while the national anthem blasts through crackling speakers.

This all has to change.

If you haven’t been paying attention, America is pretty fucked. And most of us have long been radicalized out of our previous understanding of the country we live in as an oasis of simple, wholesome pleasures. There’s not a single person I know that still refers to Columbus Day as anything other than Indigenous People’s Day. And Father’s Day? I think we can all agree it was the right decision to rename it, “Rewatch Lord Of The Rings for the Xth Time In An Attempt To Escape Generational Trauma Day.” But in an age when children are locked in cages at our border, trans women are murdered at excessively high rates, abortion rights are threatened nationwide, sexual predators hold many of our nation’s most powerful offices, Pete Buttigieg and the reanimated corpse of Joe Biden are dueling the astral projections of Marianne Williamson in the Democratic primary, and laborers have had our rights and wages stolen from us—is there anything left to celebrate?

It’s easy to cling to the idea that traditions are traditions because traditions have always been traditions. It’s a cyclical mode of thought, despite fueling much of the baby boomer generation’s voting habits for the last 40 years! But if you stand in opposition to our country’s actions and believe we occupy stolen land—what are we really celebrating? Why waste a beautiful holiday on the rotting carcass of self-described superpower when we could be doing anything else. With that in mind, I’ve put together some quick suggestions on alternate holidays much more in line with America’s next generation, which still allow us to enjoy a long summer weekend:

• Everyone Posts the Same Flag Cake on Instagram Day (Hazel Cills)
• Unionize Your Workplace Day
• MoviePass Memorial Day
• Legalize Marijuana (And Release All “Drug Offenders”) Day
• Crash Didn’t Deserve An Oscar Day
• Old Town Road Day
• Kamala Harris Is Still a Cop Day
• Hot Dog Day (Megan Reynolds)
• Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston Memorial Day (Julianne Escobedo Shepherd)
• It’s Ok To Wear Those Flip-Flops Day
• Reparations Are An Essential Political Agenda For Any Democratic Candidate Hoping To Be Elected Day
• Yes You Can Eat Three Ice Creams Today Day (Alexis Sobel Fitts)
• Abolish ICE Day
• De-platform Gwyneth Paltrow Day
• Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle Is A Better Movie Than The Original Day
• Rihanna’s Side Boob Day