In news that could be an Onion headline if only the actual world weren’t so bent on punking us, a 47-year-old self described “happily married” man laments recent developments in his public appeal: He no longer turns the heads of women on the street. He seeks options. We can help.
Writing into the New York Times, “Tony” from New York seeks the help of Philip Galanes in his Style section etiquette column, “Social Q’s,” which typically addresses subjects like weddings and social rudeness. Though I’m not sure what the actual etiquette dilemma at play is here for Tony—how to devote more focus on remaining hot for the general public while also being polite within that happy marriage of his, maybe?—he asks, in the third question:
I am a not-unattractive 47-year-old man. It used to be that when I walked into a room or down the street, women would notice me. It’s not as if I pursued their interest; I have been happily married for 16 years. But lately, I seem to have become invisible. Younger women (and men) have mostly stopped seeing me, and those who do call me “Sir.” What are my options?
TONY, NEW YORK
Galanes more or less says “Welcome to middle age!” and proceeds to advise him to spend the time working on himself, and that one advantage to aging out of the public view is the freedom, finally, to “explore who we are without so much scrutiny.”
But I don’t think Tony wanted to be told to look inward—I think he clearly wanted to be told how to hold onto whatever scraps of his youth still turned heads for as long as possible. And who could blame him? I can tell you exactly how to do it, Tony. But you may not like it.
Dear Tony,
Congratulations. You’ve already gotten away with murder. Pack it up and call your family, why don’t you, because you’ve had a good run. For 47 years, you walked this earth in a cloud of contentment, knowing that while you weren’t even that good-looking—”not-unattractive”—that you were still good-looking enough to be noticed by other women, to find love, to get and stay married, and describe it as a happy union over these 16 years. That sounds like a pretty winning situation there, Tone.
And yet, perhaps nothing illustrates the stark difference in the way you and your wife experience the world more than your question, which is the question of a person who appears to have blithely skipped through most of your existence never having to deal with the relentless background anxiety of having to think about how you look all the goddamn time because you have known since birth that your appearance is the beginning and maybe the end of how most people will think of you. That’s how it is for women. For men? Eh. It might come up. Eventually. When you’re almost 50.
But now, an entitled middle-aged person who didn’t have to care until this second, you just want options, because hanging it up and wheeling yourself into the retirement home, never to be so much as upped-and-downed by a random woman on the street again, is unacceptable.
Hey, I’m not entirely unsympathetic! While everyone fears aging to some degree or another, and there is nothing innately wrong with feeling that way or with wanting to be admired by the sex of your choosing—married or not, happily or not—I can scarcely imagine living life with the pass you’ve been given to never hit this particular bump in the road problem until now. Can it be real? Or possible? If what you’re saying is true, I feel for you.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
