A KonMari Guide to Gifting for Your Joyless Friends

The season of forced joy and gift-giving is upon us. This year instead of spending hours looking for meaningful gifts for the people in your life, why not ask the woman who cornered the market on creating and selling joy? This year Marie Kondo launched her online shop peddling items that spark the optimal amount of joy and I have narrowed that list down to the most joyful of joy sparks. Any of these lavish home decor items can be just the thing to change the entire outlook of every joyless friend on your gift list this year.

For the Joyless Queen

This candle doesn’t just evoke joy, it spreads the aroma of royalty throughout a room. Anyone can imagine themselves a king or queen ruling over their garden level studio apartment kingdom.

For the Sad Aspiring Murderer

Nothing says happy holidays like a stick that is blunted on one end and pointed on the other. The purpose of the stick is to aid in performing shiatsu massage. But the beauty of this handcrafted tool is that it’s so multipurpose. It can be kept in a purse or book bag as a self-defense tool. Or take it on a camping trip to hunt for your next meal. The possibilities are endless.

For the Dreary Mystic

Some people just want to watch their palo santo burn. For those people, Marie is selling a ceramic dish whose sole purpose is to hold a single stick of palo santo in place. As the stick diminishes the joy in the space increases since the palo santo’s smoke draws its strength from the base of this joy bowl. No joyless home is complete without it.

For the Dismal Dirtbag

Some people think soap is an offensive gift, but soap that sparks joy and that’s shaped like the top of a pen for no reason – who can take offense to something so perfect? The soap comes in grapefruit and daily detox. The daily detox soap is specifically designed to detox the user of their joylessness while the grapefruit soap allows joy to seep into the skin and nose. Best to buy both soaps for your joyless hand washer.

For the Somber Soup Lover

It is a known fact that people without joy have no tastebuds and cannot enjoy any of their meals. This brass ladle that scoops more than just soup restores joy to meals and revitalizes the tastebuds of the damned. Handcrafted and built to last, $90 is a small price to pay for the ladle that keeps on giving.

This Controversial Fucking Crumb Brush

This is my second time talking about this bundle of sticks which I still believe I can make myself if I were so inclined. Turns out that even though this item is listed as a crumb brush in the shop, its primary function is not to brush crumbs from surfaces. It’s an artisanal pot scrubber. Clean dishes spark the most joy.